This morning, I'm havingthis ulcer inducing day, hangin' with and talking to, my husband (gag), he's really condescending, he doesn't even try to understand anymore, his Bubba friends have told him depression is laziness and so I'm just using him for his income (I haven't been able to work for almost a whole year). So I go to my favorite escape (this site) and one of us, an angel, an online friend,posted this thing on my page, a picture, and you click on it and it's a whole mini-movie ( a music video) of some music I really love. And two other angelsposted really cool comments too, so my whole day brightened just like that!!

So if all of us are so cool, maybe the rest of the world is messed up, but they've labeled us cuz' the rest just don't get what we're getting, or see what we're seeing? Times like this really make me think this is true.

So, it's like he could tell I was feeling better, like he could sense it, because he came in here (the tiny room where the computer lives) and said he needed me to come out to help do something… CRASH!!!…There went my good feelings.

OH YEA! the truck thing! So, like a week or so ago, my daughter slid off a roadbecause ofbald tires. But "hubby" doesn't like anyone driving "his" truck. The tow truck that got the car out, had to pull it up the cliff sideways to get it out. So either going off the cliff, or the tow, put the alignment so far out of whack that you can't even do 40 mph anymore. So I won't LET her drive it. It sits in it's parking spot. She's been taking theTRUCK to school, play practice, pep band, science olympiad, and history club, plus taking her brother to the grade school. So he finds out like, late this past week that we've been using his truck and I explained that she's not allowed to use the car anymore. So he made an appointment for monday morning, new tires and an alignment.

First though (this is what I had to leave my happy place for)he had me do online research for prices, I worked on it for HOURS, then he madethe appointment witha whole different place than the ones he had me research, for lesser quality tires, at a higher price…I don't get it. What did that accomplish?

Soon after that, my daughter and I went to the city for groceries and supplies, a perfectly peaceful, happy time. Another nice escape! Got what we needed, got good deals on a lot of it. But without the stress and nagging and headgames that come with bringing "hubby" shopping with us.

It's like the hateful thing isMAKING itself true. The statement of using him for money because of laziness (i.e. depression). Every jug of milk, every loaf of bread, is reason for him to bring up the ongoing running tally of how much me and the kids cost him. So then he resents us more. So then I feel worse. It's spiralling worse and worse every day it seems. The more he hates us because we cost him money, the more things come up, or happen, that cost money. Or maybe that's just what life is like but it feels bad now that life is like that. I can't even remember anymore what life was like. Did everything always feel this bad? Did he always hate us for our cost? Does every little cost HAVE to add up to a bigger and bigger resentment?

Oh, and the pain I'm in is also just laziness, it isn't real. The migraines. All the old, untreated injuries.

He used to like me, and do things, like say kind words, or offer to go get the tylenol.Or just hang out with me when I had a bad day. Either I'm different now, or he is.

I can'tlive like this and I can't allow my kids to either. This is SO not good for them.



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