Today was a long day, long and fun day. Today, Caitlan and I walked around town. We were gone for about 6 hours. We went to Kmart, Mcdonalds, then Walmart. All together, we walked about over 10 miles. Maybe even 15 miles. Needless to say, we walked a lot. We got nothing from Kmart, we ate at Mcdonalds, then at Walmart, we got matching shirts and underwear. We also got basketball shorts. It was a good day. We just got home (BTW: We live in a duplex together; Our parents are friends). So, once I got home, I showed my mom what I got. Then I went and put it all on. I went into the bathroom to look at myself, thinking I'd look at least cute, but no. I look like a chubby girl who has small as fuck breasts. That's when I lost my happy mood. My breasts brought me down. My self confidence is down. Everything, down. Even my smile. So I changed my shirt, and hid my body. Now, I want to get better. So bad. Not for me, to live, or to be healthy. Just so I can have breasts. Thats all I want.. I feel so fucking mad. No matter what I do, I hate myself. Either way, fat or skinny, I can't be pleased. Why can't I be like Caitlan! She has it so fucking easy. Skinny, naturally. She can eat ANYTHING and gain NOTHING. I hate my body so much I am almost in tears. And worst of all, no one! NO ONE! Understands. They can say they do, but their words are just off of a fucking script that everyone carries around. The Sympathy Script. Today I was so happy. I had a great day, but then I looked in the mirror! And it is sad. It's so fucking sad. I can't even go ONE day. ONE! Not one, without thinking about my weight or the way I look. I look at all the girls walking around. So skinny, and perfect looking. I look at the girls I know, who are also skinny. I ENVY THEM! So much! I am so close to tears thinking of those almost perfect girls who guys love! Either I'm chubby, or a board. Why can't I love myself!? My whole life, I have always hated one thing about myself. Either it be the hair on my arms, the length of my neck, or my voice. It's always something. And now, I hate everything. I just.. I don't want to be in this body. Actually, I don't want to be here. To help you understand how much I fucking HATE myself, know that each morning, I wake up saying "You don't deserve food! You fat ass worthless peice of shit!" then, I go to bed saying "You waste of air! I told you not to eat! You don't deserve anything! Not love, not nothing. You are hideous." I sleep knowing that each time someone looks at me, they are discusted. But yet, I also know these thoughts aren't right. But I still think them. I even say them. I beg myself.. But my mind gives my body no mercy…

XoXoX

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