I feel like at any givin moment. Im going to grow horns and hooves. My chest hurts, Im so angry, depressed and stressed. I dont know how it ever got this way. I sit up at night and think about everything that ive gone through. One little thing sends me into a downward spiral. And i thought that i had gotten over my jellious tendencys. My boyfriend and i went to wallmart tonight, and he talked to this girl that he knew as a customer from work. She was one of the people that hurt me when i grew up in this town. She spread awful roomers about me and my roomate. Saying that i was a tramp and other things like that. And even though i told him this, he was like, "well she hasnt done anything to me so im going to keep talking to her". It kind of hurt me, but i feel like it shouldnt. Hes free to talk to anyone he wants as long as it doesnt turn into anything more. But it just kind of hurt that he .. not didnt care, but it didnt make him kind of be protective of me like he once was. Im very protective of him. Only because ive lost everything that ive ever cared about, and hes the only thing that i truly would lose my mind over if i were to ever lose him. Everything that im going through, it feels like theres more bad than good. Most of the time i feel like theres no reason for me to even be here. I feel like the only reason why im here is so my mom can have someone to vent on, my friends will have someone who they can go to, and my boyfriend because he needs me. Im his everything. If i were to leave him his entire world would fall apart. But when this feeling overwelmes me, all i can think about is hurting myself or ending it. Ending it all. It seems like this has become me. Just the hurt. All i want is to be happy, not even that. I dont want to be numb all the time, i dont want to feel like im useless. I havent had my period for 6 months. 6 MONTHS. the doctor said it was because of stress, i didnt realise till recently that it was this bad. but i guess it really is. Theres so much hurt. and my dad is a on going hurt. Like a scar that has stiches in it and everytime he calls he reopens it and its as if i were living with him and all i want to do is crawl into the bathroom lock the door and cry in the corner. I want to go see someone about this.. but i have no insurence, and im running out of my inharatence. I have to pay the bills and provide for my boyfriend and i. I have no time to tend to my own needs, and if i were to i would feel like im being selfish. I cant help thinking, that if i were to just leave my money to someone like my mom and my boyfriend, and for them to have my stuff and if i were to end my life, things would be better. Not just for me but for everyone. Every time i talk to my mother i can tell that im not the daughter that she wants. She wants me to be this preppy little girl who makes straight A's and skinny and pretty. Im none of those, and everytime she calls me she asks me if ive lost weight, or if ive got a job, or if im doing good in school. I think thats the reason why she doesnt want me to come visit her. She doesnt want her friends to see how im become. How fat i am, or how ugly i am. Or that i got a tattoo because shes ashamed of me. I sit at home all day doing nothing. I dont ever have any energy to do anything. And when i try my chest hurts and all i want to do is sleep. The minute my boyfriend trys to get home i try really hard to be happy for him and make him happy because he contributes alot of his time for his job and to make me happy. And its like everytime he comes home all i do is get angry with him or something else and completly shut down. Like now. Im in my room typing on the laptop while hes in the living room playing a video game. He didnt want me to leave and come in here but he was raging about his game and everytime he said something my chest tightened a little more. I dont know how much more i can take this. Ive been waiting for something to show up, for something to happen, for me to change. Im trying so hard but nothing seems to work. Maybe im not trying hard enough. But i dont know what to do. I really just dont. Everytime i get really happy, its like something happens and all i want to do is screem and throw things. But i dont. I hold it all in and i think that that is one of my problems. Im not stupid. I know what im doing isint healthy. But i dont care. I would rather hurt myself than to show that im hurting. I dont want anyone to know that im actually really weak inside. I dont like crying because i feel weak and i feel like people will take advantage of me. Once every year it gets to the point were im about to end it all, and i find a place online were i can talk. and i guess thats why i joined this site. Because im giving it one last go before i shut down completly. I dont want to hurt people. I really dont. I dont want my mom to go through two deaths in a matter of 5 years. Her husband and me. I dont want to do it. She thinks that this is just a faze. The way im feeling. She told me to just NOT feel depresed. I told her that if i wanted to not feel depressed i wouldnt have been depressed for this long. I dont WANT to be like this. but i am. and nomatter how many smiles i put on my face. or how hard i laugh its like its on the surface. And that theres another person behind it. That laughing girl is a stranger to me. And it scares me. I hate making friends. Because im scared that if i were to end it all that thats just another person that im going to hurt. Ive gotten ride of all of my friends except for two and my boyfriend. Im done ranting for now. I think i might go to bed.


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