I am feeling pretty shaky, but okay.  I am not getting things done, but I don’t feel as defeated.  Didn’t make it to kinky figure drawing tonight, but I’ll be at the next one.  I just had sh*t going on, tonight. 

Things aren’t any better, but they don’t feel as catastrophic.  I didn’t do most of the things that I wanted to do, today, but there is time to get these things done, and I am going to try to make time to take care of it all tomorrow. 

I am going to try.

Sometimes, trying is all I really have.  The redundancy of it… 

I am not determined to be miserable.  It may seem that way, sometimes, but I am still fighting this sh*t. 

I have been hypersensitive, lately.  That makes it harder to deal with things rationally.  I come off seeming overemotional.  I’m not as bad as I used to be – the meds make a difference, but I’m not exactly right, either. 

It’s possible that the Lamictal won’t work as well as it can until I am off the methadone.  The taper is continuous, but it will take time.  I have good doctors, but I have let my health (in all areas) get pretty sh*tty over the years.  I didn’t do what needed to be done to tend to these matters.  I took care of my cat, and that was about it.  My health, my apartment, and my belongings got none of the care that was due.  I still haven’t learned how to get those things right. 

I haven’t given up, yet.  But, I haven’t figured anything out yet, either.

In the greater scheme of things…  who knows what’s supposed to happen?  I see things that I want, and things that I am not ready to give up on, or don’t know how to let go of…  I see so much beauty, and so much ugliness.  So much that can’t be undone…  so much that I resent in the past, and hate in myself…  so much uncertainty about my situation, and the future.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, sometimes.

1 Comment
  1. dbrady1023 13 years ago



    I read your blog and my heart is so heavy for you.  I know What its like to feel overwhelmed with things to do.  BUt you just have to take one day at a time and continue to take your meds.  Set goals for yourself that way you have a sense of accomplishment but you already know that. 

    This past weekend was terible for me too.  Last year in June I had a bloody nose for 4 days on and off.  And went a year with no problems.  Now this past Fri while at work it started AGAIN.  And I kept saying NO not again.  Went to the Nurse and when it wouldnt stop the ambulance came.  And took me to the ER.  BUt see they dont have the diagnostic tools to treat it.  They just pack it and sent me home to start again.  Today I went to the ENT dr ear nose and throat.  And he cleaned it all out and corterized it, the 2 veins that are causing the bleeding in the rear of the nasal cavity.  Now it started again tonight but now I have the tools to stop it a nasal decongestant spray, Ice and alot of pressure at a certain point.  I will call the Dr today and will probably have to go in again but so be it.  I have learned not to sweat the small stuff.  lol 🙂  I was proud of myself because I didnt panic and calmly dealt with it and thats big considering I am not on meds for anxiety or depression at this point.  I am solely relying on my faith and prayer.  Maybe thats an avenue for you to pursue?  I have been a christian for 12 years and it really works.  Example is I remained calm instead of panicking.  God gives us peace when it doesnt make sense.  lol -I believe we all have a destiny and the signs are there we need to just discern them and go forward.  I have read many of your blogs and I totally understand.  Altho I have never been an addict.  I cannot imagine how difficult that is and I commend you on your spirit and attitude.  Just remain positive.  Attitude is everything in my opinion.  Dont let the enemy whisper stuff to you, in Jesus Name I pray the spirit of failure, depression and being overwhelmed be gone in the Name of Jesus.  I will continue to pray for you and know I am your friend. 

    If there is anything I can do let me know


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