I am feeling pretty shaky, but okay. I am not getting things done, but I don’t feel as defeated. Didn’t make it to kinky figure drawing tonight, but I’ll be at the next one. I just had sh*t going on, tonight.
Things aren’t any better, but they don’t feel as catastrophic. I didn’t do most of the things that I wanted to do, today, but there is time to get these things done, and I am going to try to make time to take care of it all tomorrow.
I am going to try.
Sometimes, trying is all I really have. The redundancy of it…
I am not determined to be miserable. It may seem that way, sometimes, but I am still fighting this sh*t.
I have been hypersensitive, lately. That makes it harder to deal with things rationally. I come off seeming overemotional. I’m not as bad as I used to be – the meds make a difference, but I’m not exactly right, either.
It’s possible that the Lamictal won’t work as well as it can until I am off the methadone. The taper is continuous, but it will take time. I have good doctors, but I have let my health (in all areas) get pretty sh*tty over the years. I didn’t do what needed to be done to tend to these matters. I took care of my cat, and that was about it. My health, my apartment, and my belongings got none of the care that was due. I still haven’t learned how to get those things right.
I haven’t given up, yet. But, I haven’t figured anything out yet, either.
In the greater scheme of things… who knows what’s supposed to happen? I see things that I want, and things that I am not ready to give up on, or don’t know how to let go of… I see so much beauty, and so much ugliness. So much that can’t be undone… so much that I resent in the past, and hate in myself… so much uncertainty about my situation, and the future. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, sometimes.