So, this is going to be a very personal blog. My husband would shoot me if he read this, but it affects me too~ so blog away I must.

This afternoon I'm taking him to get a vasectomydone. It breaks my heart. I know it's for the best, that I can't handle another episode of mania and psychosis like I had with our son, and there's a good chance that I would die during another pregnancy due to health and mental illness problems. I have no right to take that chance~ my son needs his Mom, my husband needs his wife, and my family loves me. So I'm giving up on having any more biological children.

I've always wanted at least one more child,but I know better now. The risks are too great~ it would be very likely that my psychiatrist wouldn't be able to pull me out of the psychosis this time. So, I'd still be alive but I wouldn't be in touch with reality, and wouldn't really get to be a healthy member of either child's life. I want to be present~ I've already missed so much time with my son Zachary due to how long it took for me to become functional again. I don't remember much of his first year.

So the decision is made and about to be finished. Maybe someday I'll look into adoption or foster care. But I don't know if I have that option at all due to my history of mental illness.

Still, I thank God for my child that is healthy and happy despite how difficult the pregnancy with him was. He came through with flying colors. 🙂

I'll be okay, I just need to mourn this loss for a little while. It's hard being almost 32 and knowing your days of becoming a mom are over with.