This is my interior, the heart of me and all that I believe I am. Some parts may be shaky or even a bit broken, but, nonethless they are a part of me. I hold myself responsible for every emotion that I have. I am writing this mainly as a guide to and for myself.
I am thirty years old and have quite possibly the most amazing three children any mother could ever ask for. The smiles on their faces are enough to light up my life for a million years. They know exactly how to make me laugh and let's face it, they know how to get mommy to bend by just saying those three little words. I never imagined the word love could have such an effect over one person. Even those angels have a bedtime, and when they do, I start thinking.
Maybe all writers live in deep thought, that could explain why we write. Even the greatest authors in the world had moments of such deep thinking they actually became depressed. My thoughts run so rampant that I find it hard to sleep at all. I could not tell you every single thought I have because they come at me like a freight train running in the night. How I long to just sit and listen to each thought that passes. That is merely impossible but I would at least like to know the woman that lives beneath all of those thoughts.
I could list a billion things that I know to be true about me, but do they make up who I am and what purpose I am serving to the world? Sure, I have dreams. They aren't simple dreams either. I dream of being world renowned…I dream of being well known and loved for the compassion I have for others. Unfortunately, not everyone gets that opportunity, even though in my opinion, I believe we should all be known around the world.
I am a woman of passion. I take every opportunity to learn as much as I can about something I love and in doing so, become deeply passionate about my findings. The woman inside of me yearns to break free from the constant pain and sadness that fulfills my mind and my heart. There is so much more to me than what meets the eye and many people see it. The one person who does not see it is me.
I find myself doing whatever I can to please every person I come in contact with. I sacrifice my own happiness and state of mind to ensure the well being of others. Maybe I need to start focusing on what it would take to make me happy. God, that sounds so selfish. If I never learn all that I need to about me, then how am I supposed to help others? Alas, the journey of life begins.
What a simple woman I am. I love sweet tea all year long. I adore it more than a woman adores chocolate. The color pink brings a smile to my face and don't get me started on Pink Carnations. I dislike roses unless they are white (white stands for purity and purity is a beautiful thing, indeed). I love to cook but not the dishes one would normally see a mother and wife making. I am constantly creating dishes that you would find in exquisite restaurants. I crave new beginnings because beginnings are always happier than endings. I can be a smart-ass in the middle of an extremely serious conversation (I always find that this breaks up the monatony of everything). Knowledge is something I live for. I think that a person could never learn too much and the more we learn, the more doors we open. If I drink, my flavor of choice is Jack and Coke and the occassional Liquid Cocaine (what can I say, I enjoy being the "tough girl"). I love to dance and I am pretty good at it. Music inspires me to write, it lightens the mood I am in, and sometimes, it causes me to think even more. A good conversation to me is an intelligent one. Debating is a blast and sometimes people take it way too seriously which by the way, I find completely hilarious.
Politics….I am a hard-core conservative and I am proud of that fact (oh thats always a hilarious debate). Religion is not something I am big on because the devil is for religion. I simply say that I believe in God and Jesus and do my best to keep them very close at all times. I believe in the Paranormal because I have witnessed it with my own two eyes. I also believe in Satan and his Demons. You can't believe in God without believing in the existance of Satan.
I have a hard time trusting others and that includes myself. I am also still extremely terrified of the dark but only when its time for bed. I am way too dependant on my husband. He makes all the actual contact with people because socially, I am a recluse. The only time that I was capable of ever facing the outside world was when I was in full force with the magazine. Texas Music Speaks had me stepping way out of my comfort zone but I enjoyed it very much. I lived for going to live shows and getting to do what I loved by writing to help other people. I seriously miss it and am extremely ready for my life to calm down enough for me to get back in the swing of it. I have such high hopes and when something does not happen in the time period that I think it should, I simply give up.
I have finally come to the conclusion that I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet and talk. I keep so much bottled up inside and God how I pray for a release. It seems the only way I can express myself is by writing or typing my feelings. I used to be self-destructive. I found other ways to release my pain instead of self-infliction. Yes, I freely admit that at one point in my life, I was a cutter. There is so much more to me than so many people even know…but that is the beauty of life isn't it?
We can pick up and meet someone new and start all over again. We can choose to forget the past and our mistakes or we can choose to live them over every single day. So far, I have chosen to relive every single bad thing that has ever happened to me. I am starting to see that this is not a very healthy way to live. I have to release the child from within and start to be the woman I know I can be.
In conclusion to my introduction, living with severe depression and PTSD can be hard, but it doesn't have to control my life. Just like every other obstactle in my life, "This too shall pass."