I realize there's a tribe for Anxiety, but I come here to do my blogs and I am also morbidly depressed soo… I will continue to blog here day to day. Anyway, I am so anxious right now, I am almost giddy. I can't sit still, I woke up 10 times last night with panic attacks. Yesterday I lied to my Dad and told him I wanted chips at the market, so he took me to get chips. What I really wanted was vodka.

Alcohol is the ONLY THING THAT WORKS! This sucks, because as fun as drinking is, I do NOT want to do it every day and I don't want to get DDTS when I try to stop. But when I'm sober, I feel like I'm going to literally tear my hair out. I mean literally. With the holidays coming, my feelings for K, my weight, hauntings from the past… my brain is a constant whirlwind of worries, fear, bad thoughts, obsessions… I can't calm it down. It's like mania, only all BAD thoughts and fears. It's crazy. Sometimes I feel like i'm on drugs and I'm not. I feel like I took something to make me really really anxious. The only thing I put into my body that might cause more anxiety is caffeine. But even withouth caffeine, I feel like I'm going to die. I feel like I can't turn my thoughts down. It's insane!!

I don't want to go on more meds. I despise benzos. Benzos are addictive and make me feel like utter shit. I would rather drink everyday. i really would. Because at least the calm and intoxicating effects of the alcohol are PLEASANT. Benzos make me feel like I am coming down with the flu!

So this is the trap I'm in. I take my Prozac pill daily to combat the depression. Then I sneak a few drinks to keep from literally going mad. I have tried to meditate, breathe slowly, read, watch TV, listen to music, take naps… NOTHING relaxes me. Even if I'm tired my thoughts torment me. I really don't want to become an alcoholic.. but getting booze is easy and a quick fix and very socially acceptable (to a degree) so I can easily hide it as "just having a good time" when really I am JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE!!!


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