I look at my life and keep thinking my service dog idea could become possible one day and I like the thought of it. I want my life to change in a big way and this could be it. I can see it happening but when I see it…It’s hard to imagine it being my life.

A big part of me wants it to happen but another part doesn’t want a service dog being my whole life. I am disabled enough to the point to where I do qualify. But the more I think about it I don’t see myself getting the dog and doing all the self training as much as I see myself in a mental hospital thought I’m not really sure what that could do for me. I’m just so sick and tired of not knowing what is right or what the best course of action would be.

_________________________________________________________________________

I wrote that May 26th

This next bit was written Sept.17

I still feel this at times. A lot about me has changed since then despite my lifestyle and day to day stuff is all the same. It is such a big decision and that’s why I’ve been so indecisive about it. I knew that I qualified for getting one but I just wasn’t so sure it was the right thing for me specifically. Different things work for different people. Maybe this isn’t something that would work for me.

Sure I have ailments that could be alleviated but would the other things in my life support it? Such as the fact we have very little money. We struggle as it is just to get by and now I’m going to add a dog onto that? Vet bills, vaccines, supplies, equipment, the adoption itself…That’s a lot. Not to mention the basics like paying $30-50 a month on food and other monthly essentials.

Here’s another punch in the gut, I have to spend the majority of my time training. In theory this would be great for someone like me. In need of motivation and a purpose to keep on living, this would be just the medicine my inner doctor ordered. But what If I can’t? Some days (or weeks) I am so broken down from my depression and the physical drain of it can be too much for me even to get up off the couch. Or some days I have really bad period cramps and can do nothing but take pills and rock back and forth with a heating pad hoping the pain will pass in a few hours and not last the whole day.

Because of my mental problems I live a pretty sedentary life, I want to be active but can I be that active as to care for the dog? I’ll be getting a pit bull terrier and they have relatively high energy which means more exercise will required. I think I can manage, it’ll just take some adjustments and getting used to. I’m just cautious because I don’t want to make mistake. Especially this big one. A service dog may be considered medical equipment under the ADA but they are still a living being and we will have a great impact in each others lives.  I feel like this is similar in a way to deciding if it’s the right time to have a child. Maybe you really want this more than anything but is the time right? Am I ready for this step? What if I’m not and I go through with it? Will I step up to the plate and do what needs to be done?

There are a lot of questions to ask oneself when deciding to take part in something so elaborate and important.