So, X-mart gave me my walking papers yesterday. My last day will be the 27th. I knew it was coming, but I was beginning to wonder whether or not they'd tell me in advance–unlike the bookstore I worked for TWICE. Both times I worked for them, they kept hinting that there was a chance to stay on permanently, but they just kept stringing me along until–"Well, thanks SO much for all your help, but tomorrow is going to be your last day. You're rehirable, so feel free to apply for the next seasonal position in two months. *smilesmile*" Never mind that I have obligations and bills just like they do.

Two weeks. Suppose it's better than nothing. I do have a few resumes out–for all the good that does. It's getting harder and harder not to fall back on bad feelings, but I'M TIRED. How much positivity can I keep showing when nothing positive seems to come from it? Am I just lying to myself to keep from getting sick all over again? Am I just using kid-gloves on myself?

August is never really that kind to me. I'm almost always out of work and my car almost always decides to come down with some costly mechanical ailment. The engine light has been on for three days straight. I'm thinking the thermostat is close to taking its last crap. I've been driving on borrowed time. I got the bad termostat casing diagnosis the same year I bought the car (3 years?) and the guy claimed it was a $600 repair. Didn't have it. Didn't fix it. Been driving just fine.

Today I'll be taking my car  to another guy who's been dealing with it since then. I trust this guy, but the last repair was ridiculously high for such a little gadget. I'm not feeling too good about this one.

August is full of bad ju-ju. Every time I'm out of work something comes and eats a huge chunk out of my savings and then I'm desperate for loot  within weeks. And to top it off, my bills/loans are due.

What else am I supposed to do now? Keep smiling? Keep being tough? What the hell for?

It's like I'm running through quicksand.