I don't feel good right now, and I hope this feeling changes really fast because I can hardly stand it. I just spoke to Gary after sending him the "dear john" email. We had dated for 4 months. I tried twice before to break up, but I knew this time I HAD to make it happen. I will miss his company more than anything. I had someone to hike with, to get a beer with, to hang out at home with. He also helped me improve myself and feel like I could keep going and do better and better things. I lost 30 pounds because I follow a diet of what he eats. I just feel so sad……I don't like letting go of things that make me happy. I just knew he wasn't the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Hope I find a guy like that some day.

Friends on FB have been really helpful. Time heals all wounds…..just like with my ex John, there may be things I will miss about Gary, or maybe I will just miss hiking and just spending time with someone, talking about things we both had an interest in.

Today in general really stunk. I hope the rest of the week is better. I hope I wake up tomorrow with a fresh and optimistic outlook…..this day is shot…..I can't "fix' it. I would have liked to have thought I might have been able to build a life with Gary…so many good things, but just not the glue that holds it all together…..there was magic that was missing. I don't know how I will be able to fall asleep tonight. I often lie down and reflect upon the day or look forward to the next day. I want to do neither. I suppose at some point I will feel like doing the internet dating again, but not now. When I was doing that I was busy just browsing and also getting together with guys. I think mainly I am just feeling that grieving feeling over the things that were good in the relationship. Grieving sucks, it hurts so bad. It's letting go of something you are clinging on to….it rips your heart. and to think I was so happy when I made the decision to break up. I need to get THAT feeling back…that feeling of freedom of standing up for myself, not to be yelled at anymore. I just went outside…the lawnmower DIDNT start as my Dad said it would…it was comfortable out there but I didn't feel that great being outside…..never really does anything for me sitting on that porch.

So, soon I will go to bed, mostly because I just hate how I feel right now….very negative. I just want a fresh start and I want to forget lots of what was said today and feelings I had today.

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