Hey everyone. I’ve had anxiety since I was 16, but probably had it before then too and was recently diagnosed with actually having OCD. Mostly obsessions around my fears, not actually involving compulsions. When talking to a psychiatrist, she stated that she believes I am suffering from a mild form of depression too. It could be a lot worse and some days life is great, but I’m getting sick of living life this way and I’m only 19 years old. I’ve always dreamt of being with guys,getting married, being the fairy tale princess, etc, since I was really young. After being in a really bad relationship where I was dumped for another girl because I was not pretty enough (his reasoning), my self-esteem sank to an extreme low. I’m still trying to get through it, but I only really feel beautiful when I have make-up on, curled hair, and a cute outfit. That’s not really how self-esteem should be. I started daydreaming to music about guys falling in love with me..only it wasn’t really me..it was somebody more beautiful and a lot sexier. I’ve been through some pretty crappy relationships since then, one which was emotionally and almost physically abusive. I snapped after that and assumed I must be gay because I do find naked women beautiful too and was kind of into it, but always wanted to be with men. It made me question Why I wanted to be with guys and I couldn’t come up with an answer. I went into severe anxiety attacks over fear of being gay. I mean sure there’s nothing wrong with that lifestyle at all (so if you are, PLEASE don’t get offended). It’s just not me..I don’t understand why I’m not able to feel blissful and daydream about guys as much as I used to, but I don’t like it. The one thing I am proud of is my body. I have a really cute, little, petite and toned body..but I’m often just used for sex…this makes me wonder if I really enjoy it.? I’ve never had an *o* but have gotten really close. I get anxiety about my boyfriend leaving me and then question not liking him enough because of fear of being gay (OCD). I don’t understand what’s going on. If I was gay, wouldn’t it make me happy? not numb..? Is this actually depression? It seems like a really stupid reason if you ask me, but I can’t get through it. Sometimes I do and I feel great. I feel lucky to have my boyfriend and aroused by him..but then when I get in this mood, it makes my life seem dull and hopeless. Please help and be kind. 🙂

1 Comment
  1. sonar 12 years ago

    Sometimes depression can”t be given a clear definition. I mean, in medical terms it can, but we”re not here to talk about science, we”re here to talk about feeling better.

    I”m not saying this to be offensive, but seem to have had a lot more relationships than most of my friends had at 19. I appreciate that they were bad relationships, but here”s the important fact: Men that are assholes don”t discriminate. Noone says to themselves "I”m a complete toolbag, so I”m going to go and get with a girl with some sort of problem". No, they still go for the girl who”s pretty and fun to be with.

    You”ve had bad luck with what you”ve attracted, but that”s it. Nothing that happens can reflect on the type of person you are, except to say that you”ve obviously had a reasonable number of people attracted to you.

    0 kudos

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