Just feeling mellow…Housework is done and waiting for my guy to get home from work…I guess the other boot dropped the other day because after his latest checkup with his hiv sepeialist he told me that they had nearly come to the conclusion that it was time for him to start meds.When he said the he and his doctor were considering Atrippla , I confess that my knee jerk reaction wasn't a very positive one. I had always hoped that the virus would progress slowly in him but his numbers have shown a strady decline in the past 8 years and now it's time for the next step. I appogized later, saying that I had the innitial negative reaction because of things I had heard and read about the drug. But after he explained that Attrippla was probably a good thing for him because his t-helper cells are still in the hundreds wheras I waited until mine were in the double digits. Different bodies, different situations, different treatments……SO I told him that whatever his decision was, I woould respect it and support him in it..

Damn, but that;s easier said than done but I have to remember that he never badgered me to begin meds and left that decision up to me, even when I considered never taking them.

Waxing philosophical, I'm thinking about what it takes to be a good partner and friend to someone you love, letting them be their own person, make their own decisions even if it risks being a mistake. God I love the man and the 10= years we've been lucky enough to share so far astound me when i step back and look at it with a little distance….I MUST control my fears….fear of losing him ….I'm pretty certain that only death will part us someday because any problems we've had have not been the "standard" problems that I see in so many relationships likd jealosy and distrust. It's mainly been just plaing old hard-headedness on one or both of our parts that have ever caused any problems…..I must learn how to bend Grasshopper. 🙂

This wonderful human being has allowed me to grow and is being totally supportive in my late-in-life venture to break into stand-up comedy….Any voices I hear that tell me that it is not practical , is not the right path…all those are only in my head and not from him. God bless her, my mother is gone and her well-meaning but negative directions to me still haunt me. Hopefully, they will fade with time and I can choose to only rememer the good things about her.

Any fears I have I must conquer alone…making sure I don't infect him with my insecurities and doubts….making sure that i've cried it all out before he gets home….Making sure that he can be sure of me. No doubts…

God but it's hard sometimes.


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