Well, woke up. Three cheers for that, huh? It's a Saturday. Terrific. Feel as though my depression and anxiety stem from nothing more than a relationship that has lost its definition, purpose, and commonality.
The cycle has lasted for about 5 months now, the longest 5 months in my life. One day this, the next that. I've been steadfast and anchored in my devotion. Not so lucky on the other end, yet they remain "confused". Come and go, love then dilute, then strengthen, then cry, then "I cant do this", then no word for a week, then friend, then….. dancing forever. And I've allowed for it- I blame me.
Anytime hope creeps up, anxiety follows. No apetite. Lost twenty pounds, down to 112 now… not BAD, but skinny enough for people to talk, ask questions.
Not many to talk to, and don't want to- doesn't change the facts. Motive is the key… What's the motive behind the move, the behavioral flavor of the day? Motive. Explain the lies, the truth…. sorting and filtering all alone it seems, providing excuses, then hardening them, then thawing them… On and on it goes. No distraction sticks long enough for me to get off the nauseating ride…. Why can't I commandeer my life back, get my power back? I'm being made a fucking fool of due to this shit. Fucking antideppressants and anti-anxiety pills. What the fuck? This is not who I am! I am the forever smiling, charming, friend to all, talk to people in the grocery store girl. I am the carefree, top down, sunglass and flip flop girl. I am the crank up the car stereo and sing "Funkytown" girl. Not anymore. I miss me. I don't know if me can exist again truly….. I don't know if I can find me until the cycle is broken. And even I gather the strength to break it, will I ever find me again? Why bother breaking the cycle and losing all hope whatsoever if I'll never be the same?
Advice? Break the cycle and give up the hope? Forget the plans and ever-changing promises and clean-cut this? Or be patient, a friend, allowing the "decision" to be handed to me, adjusted, diluted, strengthened, withheld, etc… never knowing, just hoping and dreaming on a possibility that would be my hoped outcome? I've always been over-trusting, too loyal perhaps, too "good", an open book, wanting the real thing. How do people, why do people, when you explain, in detail, what you CANNOT emotionally handle anymore, continue to dance around? Maybe there's two types: a)me, the security and committment precedes the joy …. and b) the joy and my feelings will dictate my level of committment.
Thoughts? Help?
You are still you… still all of those things… just a bit wiser. It may not all be apparent to you now… but it will be. When you are ready.. ready to really accept it all & just… let go. It will all come back. The thing with this illness is… no matter WHY it was introduced into our lives… we have to learn to accept it for what it is. Depression doesnt own you… its a parasite.. if we allow it to cling on.. then it gets the best of us. If we dont.. we can carry on. Now this process is on a day by day basis.. but it IS possible to be you. If anything, my illness has taught me to get to know myself in a much more profound way. Sure, there are parts of me that are no longer.. such is life. We all grow.. we all mature.. we all find other aspects of ourselves to replace one another. But that does NOT mean.. you are not you.
Love… that whole quote about it being patient & kind. Yeah.. on the good days. Its also demanding & cruel. We are human beings. Imperfect at that. Nothing & no one is going to live up to the supposed standards. But, there IS a line. A line that once crossed… leaves little to look forward to. If you truly feel you have crossed that line… chances are.. you already know what to do.
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is listen to ourselves. But in the end, we are all we have. You are your best friend. You are truly the ONLY person on the face of this earth.. and possibly beyond that you can trust to tell you the truth 100% of the time. And even that.. is pushing it. lol
You sound like an incredibly intelligent woman… and the "funky town" girl.. doesnt deserve to be so hard on herself.
Yeah.. I know… easier said than done. As with most things in life. But know this… you arent alone. We may not have the answers.. and we may not be able to *take it away* … but there are others of us out here who understand… and we care. At least I do anyway.
My life isnt always great… and some days… I question everything about everything. But most days.. most days.. it aint all that bad.. and its only because I have accepted that I am the only one who can change things for myself. And as hard as it may be.. I try my ass off to do so. Do I always succeed. Nope. But the fact I tried… makes me feel better. And well, we all know.. better… is better than nothing.
Thanks for letting me ramble. *grin*
((((hugs)))))