Well, woke up. Three cheers for that, huh? It's a Saturday. Terrific. Feel as though my depression and anxiety stem from nothing more than a relationship that has lost its definition, purpose, and commonality.
The cycle has lasted for about 5 months now, the longest 5 months in my life. One day this, the next that. I've been steadfast and anchored in my devotion. Not so lucky on the other end, yet they remain "confused". Come and go, love then dilute, then strengthen, then cry, then "I cant do this", then no word for a week, then friend, then….. dancing forever. And I've allowed for it- I blame me.
Anytime hope creeps up, anxiety follows. No apetite. Lost twenty pounds, down to 112 now… not BAD, but skinny enough for people to talk, ask questions.
Not many to talk to, and don't want to- doesn't change the facts. Motive is the key… What's the motive behind the move, the behavioral flavor of the day? Motive. Explain the lies, the truth…. sorting and filtering all alone it seems, providing excuses, then hardening them, then thawing them… On and on it goes. No distraction sticks long enough for me to get off the nauseating ride…. Why can't I commandeer my life back, get my power back? I'm being made a fucking fool of due to this shit. Fucking antideppressants and anti-anxiety pills. What the fuck? This is not who I am! I am the forever smiling, charming, friend to all, talk to people in the grocery store girl. I am the carefree, top down, sunglass and flip flop girl. I am the crank up the car stereo and sing "Funkytown" girl. Not anymore. I miss me. I don't know if me can exist again truly….. I don't know if I can find me until the cycle is broken. And even I gather the strength to break it, will I ever find me again? Why bother breaking the cycle and losing all hope whatsoever if I'll never be the same?
Advice? Break the cycle and give up the hope? Forget the plans and ever-changing promises and clean-cut this? Or be patient, a friend, allowing the "decision" to be handed to me, adjusted, diluted, strengthened, withheld, etc… never knowing, just hoping and dreaming on a possibility that would be my hoped outcome? I've always been over-trusting, too loyal perhaps, too "good", an open book, wanting the real thing. How do people, why do people, when you explain, in detail, what you CANNOT emotionally handle anymore, continue to dance around? Maybe there's two types: a)me, the security and committment precedes the joy …. and b) the joy and my feelings will dictate my level of committment.