I was once a teenager who took self-harm as an expression of the pain I was enduring. Felt like the world have left me in my dark days and nights. Thought that there was no one willing to understand me or to lighten up the heavy load in my heart.
Cheating parents, cheating girlfriend, uncaring best friend and other family members who blamed me for all the wrong things. The teenage version of me, have lost all hope and love. The pain of self-harm was confirmation of the pain in my heart. It was a cry for help. But I felt like no one noticed, no one cared.
So I tried to take my life and when I thought I was about to go, a voice inside me asked me, Are these heartbreaks worth dying for? My answer was NO, it was not my decision to be rejected or blamed for things I didn’t do. It was not worth it to waste my life for people I have loved so much and have hurt me bad. They don’t own my life. They won’t be the one to decide or to give me the reasons why I should end it. So I decided I wanted to live and save myself.
The aftermath left me a ugly scars in my wrist. It became an ugly reminder that there was one or two moments when I have fallen to an abyss of hopelessness. It also reminded me to be strong for myself, not to depend too much on people I love. It told me a story of a heart breaking so bad but have survived. It told me that I can survive whatever that comes next.
Three years after that bloody night, I have freed myself of hate, anger, regrets and loneliness. From then on, I have pushed myself to do what makes me happy, I go off catching sunsets, burying my feet on a shore, laughing my head off, breathing fogs in the mountains and falling in love.
I tried to become the person that I dreamed myself to be. Joined a band so I learned to play the bass. Joined the school politics so I befriended a lot of people. Joined the school paper so I learned expressing myself. I have joined the world again.
When I feel down and like my heart will explode with pain again, I look up. I watch the clouds, the birds, the sun, the stars, the moon, I sit or stand still, the world goes on. My pain will pass. I’ll be okay.