How does one go on, when your thoughts are just a jumble of troubled thoughts falling over one another in a helpless cascade of endless “isms”.

You think to yourself, how can the human spirit withstand this amount of turmoil?

How does one define grief or the stages of calamities, that exist with abandon in ones life?

What is grief?

I should be used to loss or even the diagnosis of this disease, especially when it is close to home, but when it becomes so close to home, when you felt their heart beat and kick under your heart, it changes the dimensions of ones whole existence and an overwhelming grief fills you.

In my work, I see it, I sit in meetings, when going to clinics, I see it

The defiant look, the depression, the hollow eyes and then I see the abbreviations in the registers:

• LTF- Lost To Follow-up
• RIP – Rest in Pease
• 1st line
• 2nd line
• 3rd line
• CD4 Count
• FBC
• Sputum samples sent

The list is so endless

I have seen it in my blood relatives, you become numb and you deal with it but then like a tsunami wave another shock rolls onto you and you struggle to just “breath”under this all encompassing weight, that seems to wrap itself around you like an vampire octopus, sucking the life out of you.

Only last week, I sat thinking and saying to myself, my husband believed, for some reason, that even numbers were a positive thing. 2018 has been a helluva ride, I lay in bed listening to the sounds of the night, as I live deep within the mountains, where you “hear” the stillness of the very air and I thought to myself… this year has to end well, as I cannot take anymore “hits”.

My daughter said, that crying is wrong and I should be strong, so I can support my blood of my blood…

I cannot see that crying can be a weakness …

I honestly do not know …

Where does one really and truly start?