Hi, my name is Chloe-Louise. I found this website through a mere search through google for help. I know why I did this, it's because I've been told I need help.
Two weeks ago I began taking solvents. I haven't been too happy with my life, and these made me feel happy. Not much really happens on a day-to-day basis for me, everything is very recurring, boring and uneventful, so this gave me something to do. It wasn't just the nice smell and the fuzzy feeling that they would give my nose, it was also the action of taking the solvents that I became addicted to. Spray in the lid, put the lid up to my nose, and sniff. Typing that out even makes me feel like walking down the stairs from my room and getting the bottle I'd use. However I've only told two people about this; My dearest friend whom I call Sven, and my lover. Both were very unimpressed, disappointed.
It's not like I'd ever even consider doing something like that before in my time so far. It began with but a single smell of deoderant one morning.
But anyway, to the main problem.
I feel alone. My insides are ripping apart. There are times where I feel like ripping my skin off, the very flesh from my bones, in frustration at how alone and bored I am. I went outside last night, I waited until it was pitch black because I have a migrane, that's sort-of why I'm off work today. But yes, I went outside and just walked. For the first time in my life I didn't actually know where I was going, I asked in my head constantly for a good part of it, but I didn't get an answer. I did however end up at a corner shop where I bought few goods and a can of Cola. I retreated back up the hill, and sat on a bench which was situated next to the primary school, facing out toward a round about. Not the most scenic of places. I sat there for just over half an hour. In silence, indifferent. Alone. I went outside in the first place because I wanted out from the walls of my house; it's a depressing place when my mother is in tears and I'm missing human company. So I stepped out to get some fresh air, also because I knew that I was emotionally ready to end my life and I thought that this was possibly the only way to calm down and stop myself from doing so.
Another thing is that I almost jumped infront of cars on two seperate occaisons during that walk. My willpower were in my feet, ready to go. I do not know what held me back, but it wasn't cowardness, because i was totally into it.
I don't have many goals in my life, only to be the best wife, and especially mother that I could ever amount to be. I also am a bidding Science-Fiction writer of the future, I don't want to be famous or anything, I'd just like to write something that others might enjoy and to express my imagination.
So usually the thought of the amount of upset that it would cause my love, and the failing of not bringing new life into the world, stops me. I'm young I guess, I have a lot of life to live. For some reason last night, and still now, I don't feel like it's a big enough reason to not end my life.
However random this must appear to you, the reader, ( to whom I apologise for this long post, hopefully i'm not spoiling your breakfast, my coffee's already gone cold because I forgot about it xx ) during the past week, or you could say months, I've been ready and willing to ask my love to marry me. Despite my mood last night, after returning home from my walk to the bench, I felt confident that tonight was the night to ask. I must point out that I'm much more of a romantic than asking over MSN, as I was going to ask my love this weekend, even if it did clash with my birthday. But yes, I asked. I felt confident, yet carrying the same sheer indifference that I had been carrying around for the past few days. Don't get your hopes up, reader, for he said no. He isn't ready for that sort of committment.
Now I know what you're thinking now, I'm not at all upset about him saying no, I got over it after a mere minute or two. Now that doesn't sound quite normal, does it? Surely I should be feeling some sort of rejection or let down, even though his answer was very reasonible indeed.
But yes, to summarise and conclude this post for you, once again my deepest apologese.
I quitted the solvents, but I want to go back on them. I'm feeling very alone. I'm emotionally prepared to kill myself, but something unknown is stopping me. I think now that it may be that I know better. However I'm scared that one day my knowing better will have it's guard down.
I don't really know what I want feedback wise. I think I just need someone here for me. I want the comfort of someone. So really, just give me whatever feedback you can give me. Everything's very much appreciated.
Thank you for reading, and in advance thank you for feedback.