It has been an emotional rollercoaster since I last wrote on here. I was completely finished with all my child support and sold my house of 18 years because it was just more work than the exwife wanted to do. I didn't get much, but I got enough to finally leave this town and start life all over again somewhere new. I broke up with my girlfriend for a couple weeks only to get back together again and we are still together. I know I will break her heart eventually, but I felt so bad to leave her, that I went back. Why I didn't leave I have no idea because now that I have no financial obligation, I can travel around a little and find what or why I am still here alive and if there is any purpose to keep living. I woke up this morning with the feeling of being lost and also tired of the repeating steps I take everyday. I have a feeling of wanting to quit my job and just pack a bag and go. Maybe go to vistit my brother in Germany for a few weeks and travel around europe. Maybe head to the warm state of Florida and start my life over there. All I think about though is how many people that love me who's hearts I will break by just doing what I have been wanting to do for most of my life. It gets to a point that I feel trapped and that death is my only escape. I wish for it sometimes, but hold it off and fight another day, just like so many of us do. But this morning I feel so sad and lost about what direction to go. Hopefully I figure out my next steps sooner than later.