Okay. So the other day I was feeling beyond rockbottom & was typing a msg to send to my parents. The msg happend to release everything on my heart at the time, so it ended up being more of a diary entry thana msg. Afterwards I felt a bit better having 'let it out', although no-one saw it, so I never ent up sending it. It's still saved however & thought I'd might as well type it down as is in 2 parts. Here goes: Part 1- 'Hey mom/dad. This is really hard, so here goes. I can't feel like this anymore. Things have to change before I end up on the end of a noose. And believe me, I'm this close. I can't speak to you guys anymore. You're like strangers, especially dad. I could never ever speak to you. I'm not gonna get into detail, cause it's like speaking to a brick wall. I'm sorry if I come across as hurtful. I always mess everything up & hurt everyone. Nevermind how I feel. I must always just concider others, yet others can never seem to give leeway for me. I have nothing & no-one in life anymore… Everyone I ever cared about has up & gone. Reasons mostly being cause I pushed everyone away & whatever, but it's fine for them to do the same. It's like it's never ever okay for me to feel emotions. I must just be fine all the time. I have one friend that's in no better state than me. I have no matric & that's NOT my fault. No job. No income. A daughter I've never met. Fuck, I could go on & on… My life is really fucking hard. I HATE it. You have no idea. I genuinely wish I could just disappear. I don't like the feeling of being alive & moving around. I don't like feeling things. I don't like living… I really don't. If I ever had a sure way to remove myself from this fucked up world, I would take it without hesitation. The only The only thing that I really have in life is my parents… And that's slipping away too. Infact that may be just the last push I need to kick the chair over. I know you never asked for this life & the shitload that came with it… I understand you feel things too & life is just as hard for you. I'm sorry I'm not very supportive. It's really hard for something broken to support something else broken. I know it's also hard for you to support me. I get that. I just feel like you don't care though… You guys have little/no idea what goes on in my life. You have no idea of the things I've been through & the things that have come & gone. You don't care what happens to me. There's alot more to me than the clumsy, overtalkative idiot that sits on the couch every night. I feel so stupid whenever I try talk about anything serious, cause it seems childish/naive. Yet you have absolutely no clue what's been going on in my life. I seem to manage to keep it to myself rather well. At the cost of freakouts from time to time. But I just don't think you people care… It's like you love me, but under terms & conditions… I donno.'


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