Hey there, TIny Dancer.  You know…you're not the only person who has ever felt this way.  You didn't know me when my OCD was bad.  I can tell you going off your meds is a pretty bad idea with the way you feel right now.  You might be on the wrong ones…some work on you differently than others.  The OCD and the anxiety is worse than being a little emotionless.  I think that emotionless feeling is coming from just being worn down and tired, you know?  My meds never made me feel like that, however, I would try something new before giving up…and I know that is difficult, too.

Your therapist is both right and wrong.  Emotions can't physically hurt you (not in the sense that they can punch you etc.)…they can leave you sleepless and lacking for an appetite…which wears you down and makes you more vulnerable.  They are still just smoke and mirrors, though, baby.  They can only do what you let them do.  I know how bad OCD can get…and I know it hurts…it's awful and you just want to get away from it.  Sleep sometimes isn't even a refuge.  I know what it's like to wonder why God is letting this happen and wondering if I did something bad in a past life.  I've spent many nights not thinking I'd make it through and being so afraid I wanted to cry.  My psychiatrist calls OCD "magical thinking"…and that's what you're describing.  You're not psychotic (likely…I'm no doctor and I don't know if you've had some sort of breakdown).  You're not babbling, you don't deserve this, and you -can- handle it.  You handled it all through the post.  Sometimes it's just about getting by minute by minute.

Listen…I've known you a long time.  You're a good person.  You're having a bad time.  That is all.  And it can get better.  It does improve.  I'm in remission and if you heard half my old stories about my OCD you would think I would be in a nut house by now.  I'm always here if you need to talk.  You know how I got through bad nights?  I'd watch comedies.  I'd zone out (because feeling like a zombie beats anxiety any day of the week).  I would listen to music, talk to friends, cry, sleep, cuddle the dog…whatever it took.  You are going to be fine.  I promise you that.  I don't make promises I can't keep.  Sooner or later things turn around.  You have to work really hard sometimes.  I know you can do it, though.  Don't do anything stupid, honey.

Always here.  Always listening.  Take care.  Oz and I are thinking of you right now.