I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I am emotionally/ mentally right now compared to last year. Last year at this time, I was self harming almost everyday. I was withdrawn and distant from everyone and everything I loved. My grades were suffering and I didn’t care– and I’m someone who has always cared a lot about how well I do in school. Within about a month from now (but last year), I fully accepted that I wanted to die. I thought about suicide every single day. I used it to comfort myself; I would tell myself that if I really wanted to, I could escape it all and everything would be okay. I was addicted to my blade I drew on my skin with and the crimson that it produced. I needed to cut. I still have scars from this time last year– which seems weird to me, because at the time, I didn’t think I was cutting deep enough to leave such lasting scars. They still don’t seem to be going anywhere. But today, I’m doing better; the difference between last year me and this year me is like night and day. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my issues, but I’m getting better. I’m almost four weeks clean now and overall, I’m happier than last year. I’m learning how to cope with my anxiety and intrusive thoughts better, and I’m opening up more to a couple people I can trust. Life is pretty good for me right now. I still have bad days, but compared to last year, I’m in a good place. What really kept me going last year was three things: one being my little sister, we’re best friends and I don’t know what she would do if I killed myself, but I know it wouldn’t be good. Second being my goal for the future to become a child psychotherapist so I could help teens like me; I would be able to understand exactly where they are coming from and I don’t want anyone else to feel this way, I just want to help people. And third being music. Music– specifically bands such as Twenty One Pilots, My Chemical Romance, Sleeping with Sirens, and All Time Low, among others– gave me the strength to survive. They sang me to sleep every night and helped me make it to the morning where I could try again. Because of them, I knew I wasn’t alone and they gave me hope and helped me feel understood. I strongly suggest their music if you’re feeling alone or misunderstood– especially Twenty One Pilots. I still listen to these bands everyday and I can honestly say that it’s because of them that I didn’t kill myself last year. I’m in such a better place now vs last year, and I still have a ways to go, I’m happy I never followed through with suicide.

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