Just been going to therapy once a week. Confronting some of my core beliefs and being quite surprised at what I\'m finding out. IE, That I believe that I\'m not worthy of being cared for and taken care of. Something I would normally think is ridiculous, but when you\'re open to someone and vulnerable and they call you out from the wording you\'ve been using it really gets to you/me. I just started bawling more because I know I\'ve thought it. I think it in those moments when I get truly depressed or hopeless feeling. I know logically it can\'t be true, but a core belief maybe isn\'t so much a thought as a strong personal feeling about yourself. Might not make too much sense.

So, along with that, I\'ve been struggling with my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years since she called me out on that because now when he does things to "tease" me, which I\'m finding to really be NOT ok and not just "not nice" or "not fun" but really just kind of passive agressive and mean. Like he argues the opposite point of something he notices I have a strong feeling about purposefully, to get me riled up because he thinks it\'s funny is just mean. It doesn\'t help that he\'s good at it. I\'ve got to learn to not let it get to me, OR lose his ass. I have enough issues I don\'t need someone fucking with my mind, too.

This week then, my "homework" is to write down, on as much paper as I need, my WANTS, NEEDS, and NON-NEGOTIABLE NEEDS (deal-breakers). I\'m hoping at some point I\'ll have some good ideas, for the most part I\'m feeling my ideas are simple, obvious, and, maybe even, dumb. Eventhough, I\'m the only one seeing my lists right now they just seem, not really shallow, but like I can\'t admit to myself what I really want and need for fear that it won\'t be my boyfriend. Then, that\'s a five year relationship down the tubes. I think, though, I\'m still young enough that I could find someone else and still be able to raise kids and have a family of my own. Hell, if it came down to it I could just adopt or do foster care. God knows we need more people who actually care and give a shit about those poor kids, instead of the assholes who end up using them for cheap labor or still end up abusing these kids.

Alright. Lost my train of thought now that my boyfriend let our beast of a puppy go and she chased the cat up onto the couch and then went crazy licking my face and ears. Maybe I\'ll write another blog soon.