Okay, I'm not afraid that i will hurt my children in any sexual way.  As a matter of fact i know that i have no intentions or desires to do so, it's all OCD.  The thing that trips me up is when i do move forward and fight ocd.  For example, when i do pick up my daughter and hold her i'm always aware of where my hands are, what's going on in my private areas.  At some points, i try to avoid them bumping into me or try to get out of changing diapers, or putting them in car seats because i have to buckle them.  Many anxiety spikes have come because i'll ponder things like…"why was my finger by her private area, etc., when i know it's there because i'm buckling her in.  I'll ponder things like did i move my hand too fast, or too slow……and the list goes on and on.  It's a daily struggle and my anxiety stays pretty high for the most part.  After much rumination and sometimes assurance from others, i'll feel better about.  And i know in my heart that i do not want to do these things.  I don't have a therapist who specializes in ocd, ( i wish i did).  I fear things like "what if my finger moves suddenly when i'm in one of these situations, or any other part of me….and then i'll question myself…is that molesting them.  I know that i'll never have a true sexual intension, but sometimes i've noticed when i'm really fighting ocd, or i'm frustrated, i'll have more intentional movements to either say to myself "see, i'm not doing anything wrong, or "im tired of being afraid of this so i'm going to fight it, and maybe a movement like buckling my daughter in will be less cautious.  But then when i do "fight my ocd" like this, my anxiety spikes higher.  My question is….am i going about this the right way?  is that how you fight your ocd?  If there is no sexual intention in any movement i make, is it okay to make the movement?  Does this make sense?  I've had so many ocd moments and i really just want to beat this disorder.  but when i do exposure my anxiety gets high.  Is this all typical ocd worries.  Your thougths would be greatly appreciated. 

1 Comment
  1. moss 11 years ago

    you ocd plays on the thing you most dont want to do or the thing you are most afraid off. its the same with all people with ocd that just happens to be ur greatest fear. Its not u its ocd k be kind to yourself xxx

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