I’m so sad I can’t sleep. I have that aching feeling in the pitt of my stomach, that feeling that something awful is going to happen. It’s not though, nothing bad is about to happen, but I feel broken and hurt. It’s growing pains, I’m getting better, but it reminds me of the bad times.
I feel like I learned a leason that I did not want to learn, about life, and about people in general. I hate it, I don’t want to live like this, even if things are better, is there ever a time when you learn something that undermines everything you based your life around? I’m better, I can see the world now, I can see myself getting better, but I feel like dead shell sometimes, a lot of the times. I walk around trying to be the person I never could be in high school, the girl who had it all together the girl that wasn’t nerdy that wasn’t unnoticed by guys. I live out my days in fear of pissing off people and in turn causing then to turn on me, to gather up their pack and degrade me, tell me I’m not good…not a part of them.
It bothers me a lot, my anxiety about that, I don’t know how to get bettter, to trust that people won’t turn on me. I can’t. Even my therapist tells me, when I go back to school, I have to be "prepared for battle" trust noone from my past(the people that betrayed me) don’t leave myself vunerable. I don’t want to live my entire life in some kind of battle with the mean girls who should be my peers…girls who will never know how much they hurt me, how much they almost destroyed me, did destroy me, drove me to want to kill myself. They live their lives now in blissful ingorance, they changed everything for me and yet they get to stay the same while a part of me died. This year I went through, i guess the five stages of grief, of loss, the death of a part of me, or my innocence and what I hoped the world was. Everything changed, my life plan of graduating in 4 years may have changed. I’m not like all my riends from high school who had a good/ full sophmore year. I left, I was rejected, I wase erased by the people I spent everything on. I don’t feel normal and that’s what I’ve always craved.
I get that feeling when things start to go well, something bad is about to happen. You”re right though, it”s not. Or it has an equal chance of not happening as happening, what you”re feeling is not prescience but fear. I think it”s there to say ”slow down a little bit more.” If the good stuff is built solidly, then it”s not gonna disappear in a poof.
Sounds like you”re doing a brave thing, returning to school. Honor that. And I think you will find friends that are trustworthy….ones that don”t ask you to spend everything on them and won”t let you if you try. Takes time, but folks come in all flavors, think you just learned one flavor of friend that”s bad for you.