it seems like it's been longer than just a few weeks since all of this happened. it's easy when you're stuck in the middle of depression eating at you to slow time down in a way. it's a suffering and we all want it to end. so to suffer for only a few weeks may as well be years. but what about those of us who aren't just suffering from a loss that we've endured recently? what about those of us who didn't just lose a girlfriend or a boyfriend and don't know how to move on? some of us have endured a loss many years ago, and chose to stay in a situation to continue to lose at every turn. it becomes comforting knowing that at least there's some kind of constant in life. i lost the woman i loved more than anything. and i lost her recently. but i also lost the woman i loved before that, and before that, and so on. it's not even a question of losing anymore. it's a given that that's gonna happen. now it's become more of a struggle to keep things. i've lost my family. i've lost my love. i have nothing. then to top it all off, in a beautiful fit of self loathing, i told off and destroyed what few friendships i've had. if i have nothing i have nothing to lose. it seems simple. the loneliness is commonplace anyway, so what's the difference? tortured soul. that's what it is. there's no medication, or help. no magical person out there who knows the right thing to say to make everything ok again. the off chance that whatever god is out there might remember i exist and have my love call and want me back. but hell will probably freeze over first. so what's the point? why is there a life to have if every attempt is a success in failure? it makes you wonder. i listen to the cliche's like, just keep on and someone real will come along. or just hang in there and it'll get better. it doesn't get better. eventually enough time will pass that the wound will scar and only ache from time to time. but it doesn't heal. some of us are so scarred there is no beauty left within to see. just scars upon scars. what fixes that? what hope is there for the hopeless? what help is there for the helpless? there's none. only time. it goes on and on, and more scars accumulate. that's my peace. that this wound will eventually become another scar on the mound. almost seems kinda bleak…

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