I had a ruff day and was tired of waiting for my once a week counsler visit.  I was scared to sign up but figured it wouldnt hurt.  I need other people to talk to that can understand what i go through.  I dont have many friends other then my parents and daughter. 

I suffered from depression since i was five years old and the anxiety didnt start until I was eighteen.  My fathers mom and stepdad were the triggers and I suffer from very low selfesteem because of the things they would say to me.  Since I was little i was molded into a person who had to please everyone.  I still was able to hold on to my own identity but when I was seventeen I ended up in a abuse relationship that lasted eight years, during that time I lost everything i held dear.  Im still not sure what made me decide to wake up and get away from him,  through out that relationship I had attempted suicide and in the end all I wanted to do was die.  

I thought after I left I would find happiness again and everything would be ok, but reality set in hard.  I realized I wasnt the same person I was before and never would be again.  He took so much away from me and to realize he took my own identity was devistating.  I went into a major depression and spiraled down, started self mutalating again and didnt care if i live or died.  My mom talked me into trying cousling and im glad I did.  Few months after starting my counsling i found out i was pregnant.  I was so scared.  I was worried I wouldnt be a good mom, but turns out Im not so bad at it.  Being a mom is the best thing that ever happend to me.  It made me focus on my counsling and figure out how to change my path.

I sill have depression and anxiety though and i wont take medications, so its a battle.  Today I went back into my depression and I am struggling.  I had horrible thoughts that my daughter would be better off without me, grandma could take better care of her anyways.  I fought hard to stop those thoughts and won but I realized it sucks not having anyone to talk.  I feel alone.

   

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