I had a ruff day and was tired of waiting for my once a week counsler visit. I was scared to sign up but figured it wouldnt hurt. I need other people to talk to that can understand what i go through. I dont have many friends other then my parents and daughter.
I suffered from depression since i was five years old and the anxiety didnt start until I was eighteen. My fathers mom and stepdad were the triggers and I suffer from very low selfesteem because of the things they would say to me. Since I was little i was molded into a person who had to please everyone. I still was able to hold on to my own identity but when I was seventeen I ended up in a abuse relationship that lasted eight years, during that time I lost everything i held dear. Im still not sure what made me decide to wake up and get away from him, through out that relationship I had attempted suicide and in the end all I wanted to do was die.
I thought after I left I would find happiness again and everything would be ok, but reality set in hard. I realized I wasnt the same person I was before and never would be again. He took so much away from me and to realize he took my own identity was devistating. I went into a major depression and spiraled down, started self mutalating again and didnt care if i live or died. My mom talked me into trying cousling and im glad I did. Few months after starting my counsling i found out i was pregnant. I was so scared. I was worried I wouldnt be a good mom, but turns out Im not so bad at it. Being a mom is the best thing that ever happend to me. It made me focus on my counsling and figure out how to change my path.
I sill have depression and anxiety though and i wont take medications, so its a battle. Today I went back into my depression and I am struggling. I had horrible thoughts that my daughter would be better off without me, grandma could take better care of her anyways. I fought hard to stop those thoughts and won but I realized it sucks not having anyone to talk. I feel alone.