Things are going remarkably well, actually. Lately I just have been feeling a lot better, for some reason. Much, much less anxious than I usually am. I think I owe most of it to the therapy.

My last meeting with my therapist we decided that we'd talked about The Problem enough, and that we'd start using the time to develop my abysmal conversational skills. At first I hated this, even though I knew I had to do it. Of course when I'm expected to speak I become even more withdrawn. I thought that's how it would be today, but I was surprisingly relaxed and was actually able to carry on the conversation!

It's been like this these past two weeks (since my last appointment w/ my therapist). I still feel a lot of anxiety, but not so much as usual, and I feel like I'm handling it better–and with no Xanax. And the sense of accomplishment that this gives improves my mood.

Thanksgiving. Had it at my dad's, with just my dad, his girlfriend and my younger brother. It was good. The last few times I've seen my younger brother we've had a lot of wonderfully awkward silences.We used to be best of friends (he was actually the only person I could really talk to) but there's been a lot of drama in my family this past year that I wont get into, but he and I have grown distant. But it went well, by the time I left we were chatting okay. And I felt relatively at ease talking with my dad and his girlfriend too.

(This is going to end up being really long post…)

And I also had dinner at my mother's boyfriend's parents' house, meeting them for the first time. I really didn't want to go, but my mom said it would be good for me, so I went (this is always how she gets me to go places :P). And I enjoyed it! His family was actually really nice (mum's been with him for about four years but this was the first time I met any of them). There was a 13 year old nephew they were pushing me to be friendly with but I am even worse with people younger than me than I am with peers my own age. I just don't know how to talk to them. Made great friends with their dog though.

And another anime club meeting. An…interesting one. For one thing I exchanged my email/phone number with the girl I've befriended, just like my therapist wanted me to. I was very, very nervous but once I just did it, it was very easy. My therapist was very proud of me, and especially since I said that it was easy. She says I have the social skills I need–they're not things I need to develop from scratch, I just need to regain confidence in myself and realize that I have them and can use them and it's easy.

And a guy there started talking to me and I ended up telling him all about how I have social anxiety and that I was in the club because I need to get out and amoung people, and that I'm in therapy for it and everything. I think I panicked myself into being open because he was hitting on me–but it was good to talk about it, better than skirting around the question when asked about my social life. He actually said that he was a good person to talk to about stuff like that because he liked to help people and stuff. He gave me his phone number but of course I didn't call him. I seriously don't know how to deal with romantic interest. After asking if I was dating anyone he asked if I did date, and I said that since I didn't have many friends I didn't really do anything like that. But if I did call him and go somewhere with him it would be a date, and I'm not interested in dating him…

I really don't know how these things work. The only other guy I talk to (I know him from high school, he's in the club too but we usually only talk online) has also recently told me to call him if I ever want to hang out, but he's also told me a few times that he likes me soooo that has made me back off…I guess I just don't know how to deal with unwanted romantic attention so I avoid anyone who expresses it, even though there's the opportunity to make a friend. I really, really don't know how these social matters work. I haven't had a crush on anyone since high school (don't meet many people when you don't leave your house), but I've never acted on any of them. So no experience whatsoever…

Anyway, stopping my rambling now. Next club meeting is tomorrow. 


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