I dragged into therapy today.  I was almost late because instead of using the extra time I afforded myself by getting up early this morning; I used that time to jerk off to porn.  The past week has been a whirlwind of enabling and sexual self abuse.  The internet and hotel room porn was more than usual, the phone sex was experienced twice, and – while at a strip club – two women gave me a hand job to completion.  After wards, several strippers wear all coaxed (paid) to grope and touch me until one of the bouncers escorted me out.  I was with co-workers and I don't think any of them were aware of my debauchery.  They were all committing acts of their own.  2 other men and 1 other woman co-worker went.  For the life of me I can't figure out why every single female co-worker I go on the road with wants to willfully go to strip clubs.  Who is enabling who?  Back to therapy.  It was a good session and my therapist encouraged me (using reverse psychology) to go to a psychiatrist for an evaluation for bi-polar disorder.  She wants me on meds.  She believes that my inappropriate sexual acting out is a result of being manic.  If medicine can help alleviate the mania, then I may not go on these sexual binges.  Today, I left the referral doctor a voice mail to set up an appointment.  At least it's a step in the right direction.  I have also been smoking too much, so today I am attempting to detoxify.  Instead of smoking, I am drinking tea.  I already have to urinate.  In my session, I was asked what I want.  I know what I want.  I want to stop being a scumbag.  I want to embrace that fact that I am human and that I am going to feel titillated by sexual stimuli.  But, I also want the will power to be strong and honest.  I want to be the husband I vowed to be and I want to be the gentleman I know I should be.  I see freedom in demonstrating will power and I want that freedom.  I also want to stop thinking about Sara.

 

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