Sooo tired tonight. I don't know how that's possible considering that I slept most of last night and all day today when I wasn't being sick. Blech.
Again I had applesauce for dinner, but managed 2 pieces of toasttoo. As much as it's stunk to have a stomach bug on my 32nd birthday,I'm glad it happened today and not tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow, andit will be the 1st shift I've had in 2 weeks. ICANNOT miss it. I had to miss so much timefor my foot problems~ I don't want them thinking I don't want my job by calling out again.
Most of my anger has dissipated from the other night, like steam from a boiling pot of water. I wrote a long letter to my husband about how I was feeling and whatI'm can't handle (theyelling, the bullying of our son, etc…), and Ifelt better. I could actually go to sleep. I decided against giving itto him, because I think it was more for my benefit than it would be for his. It was angry, ugly, andNOT how I want to presentthese issues to him.
It'ssostrange sometimes, how you can love and hate a person at the same time. Yesterday I was furious with him, and today he called me at 7 a.m. to wish me a happy b-dayand I told him he'd haveto take Zach to school when he got home because I was so ill.So while he drove home from work I did mybestto get Zachary ready to go, and then laid down on the couch because I couldn't stand up any more. I was just too weak, my head was screaming inpain~ pounding like a mallet against a tympani drum, and I knew that ifI tried to stay upright Iwould probably pass out.
So I passed out on the couch, and Zach was such a good boyfor me, gettinghimself ready when I couldn't anymore so that when Daddy got home they could leaveright away forschool. He ended up being late, but considering the circumstances I think it was okay.
My husbandcame home and tended to me all day. He had been up for over 20 hours since helast slept, but insteadof going to sleep himself he choseto keep watch over me, waking me periodically very gently to get me to drink or replace the cold rag on myforehead.And during all of it, he stoodthere in the kitchen and baked a cheesecake for me from scratch for my birthday. 🙂
While Iwas sleeping on the couch(becausemy Uncle and cousing were downstairs working on the remodel of our shower again) my best friend showed up with gifts and balloons, but I was too sick to see her.It mademe sad, but Iwasn't really with it anyhow, and I didn't want herto catch whatever I had.So I'm saving thegifts she brought me to be able to do with her another time.
I think I finally gotup around 5 p.m. after Aaron picked up Zach from aftercare, andI finally felt decent enough to stay awake and move around some. I ate some more applesauceso I could take my medications, and I seem to be doing okay except for a little nausea.
Aaron was wonderful about getting everything done that I normally do. He made Zachary dinner, took care of homeworkstuff, cleaned up thekitchen and the living room some, and then asked ifI would be okay if he went to bed. I looked at him and saw how truly exhausted he was and I said, "Of course hon. Thank you so much."He said to me, " Are you sure you'll be okay? If you need me wake me okay?". I promised him that I would (and refused in my head to do it) and then spent time with Zachary. We went out and fed the turtles in the pond while a storm started moving in, then came in and watched some of his favorite t.v. shows, and then I had him shower and tucked him in and read to him in bed. Tonight's a special night for him because he gets to sleep in Grandma's bed with her, which he looks forward to all week long. 🙂
I'm a little concerned because I was throwing up small amounts of blood at one point, but I think it was because I was throwing up so hard, maybe popped a blood vessel in my stomach or throat. Sorry, I know, TMI.
A big surprise for me was that my Dad even texted me "Happy Birthday!" today. I haven't heard anything from him in almost 2 months now. I'm happy to know he remembered it, even if he and I aren't really in touch right now. It tells me that even though things are so messed up between us he does love me in his way, and that maybe someday I'll be strong enough to love him for what he is, regardless of the pain he's caused me. I've come to realize that while I may have bipolar disorder and depression and anxiety issues, he's so much worse off than I am. He's in a place where he cannot forgive himself for his past, for the things he's done or left undone, and he's lost in it. It breaks my heart because I do love him, regardless. Your heart feels what it feels, no matter what your head says.
I think I'm going to go shower quickly and then go to bed. I feel gross from being ill, and the cold sweats I've had off and on all day. I can't stand feeling this dirty. But the bed is calling to me again, so I better make it quick. I have to go back to reality tomorrow, getting up at 6:30 in the morning and getting Zach ready for school and then taking him, then coming home for a little while and then going to work, then picking him up from aftercare.
I hope tomorrow I feel good enough to be able to attack that beautiful cheesecake in the fridge with my name on it. 😉