So here we are. The due date for my daughter to be born is this Sunday. I have been so excited for so many months to be a father. And now, with it so close to becoming reality, ocd is ruining it all.

I can't stop having obsessions. Earlier this week it was a hit and run and I could not stop making circles to check if I had hit someone. The last two days it has been about my students (I'm a grade 5 and 6 teacher). Yesterday I had to speak to two boys in the hallway for thier behavior and all last night I was getting obsessions that I molested them. Today at recess a few girls decided to play a trick on me and hide in my room at recess. When I got to my room there was only a few minutes left until the bell rang so I just let them stay inside and watch the France uruguay game with me. On the way home i got the same obsession as with the boys that I molested them. I laid in my bed for an hour fighting off my compulsion. I was just going to make up a story that someone had lost thier usb key and phone the parents just so i could hear their voice and make sure they were not mad at me. But I didn't.

I feel like I am going crazy though. Literally, any second my wife could go into labor. And all I can f'ing think about it that I did something terrible to my students. I keep obsessing that they will make something up, and I will lose my job, go to jail, etc. I know in reality it was just a normal day teaching, that I did nothing wrong, and soon I will be a very happy dad. But this disease is really killing me. I keep making the sign of the cross again, praying. All I want to do is take a sleeping pill, a beer, and go to bed.

 

🙁

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