I realised that i blogged about my dad, my brother, my uncle, my aunt, my cousin, basically everyone, but my mom. I dont know where to really begin. Well i guess here it goes. My mom has never truly been there for me. I mean i know i can tell her things. However i dont think she normally keeps stuff to herself. For example when i told her i idnt know how i felt about god because all my family did was shove it down my throught. She told my crazed uncle and i was lectured untill i ran out of the house crying. I am not trying to get off topic this time so ill stick to my mom. She always says how she wants me to spend more time with her and talk to her more, but when i do she is either busy or says no for some various reasons. She is addicted to this game Travian and one WEEK i sat out in the front room and seriously did nothing waiting for her to attempt to talk to me or ask if i wanted to go out and do something, but no. We never talked unless it was saying hi, bye, etc. So i get tired of trying and decide to just stop all together. Then when im in my room listening to music or watching tv to get away from it ill hear some chatter. So ill turn whatever im doing down to listen. And its my mom talking to my brother's girlfriend. So then i get really down and ill play my music louder so i can cry in peace. Normally she is in her room or on the couch playing that game. And when i was littler i know she paid a  lot of attention to benj because most of the family did not really care for him. There have been some bad times, not just oh shes on her computer again thing. Lately she has been saying that she just shouldnt have had kids, and sense she did too bad. err something along those line. I know for sure she said she shouldnt have had kids, which really hurt me and still does.Other bad times were when she got so angry or hurt she said she just wants to take one of my step dads guns and kill herself. Then as i sat there begging her, tears streaming down my face, she would just say that shes leaving. Not knowing if your mom is coming home is really frightenning. Especially sense you dont know whether she will be alive or not. One time when she did this she said she was going to go drive off a cliff somewhere to kill herself. She tried pulling away and i grabbed onto the door. I cried for her to let me come with her, i was ready to die. She refused and yelled at me to let go of her car. I was yelling back at her to let me in. Not even caring how messed up our family looks. Eventually she pulled away, and i stood there crying so much i could barely see. Then the thought of running away. If she could just leave like that why couldnt i? I knew from previous planning where to go and how to survive. I slowly walked in the house though. For some reason i just couldnt go. Fearing my moms life at stake…I have no idea honestly why i didnt. Sometimes i even regret it…

2 Comments
  1. snowdreamer 10 years ago

    Honey your mom needs help her depression is talking to you and everyone else, she needs help or meds or both and none of this should have been put on your shoulders.  I wish I could reach out and  hug you so tight and just let you cry your heart out.  I know what it's like for someone you really love to talk and feel like that so I won't say anymore except it's all hers and shouldn't be yours, she needs help.  I'm always going to be thinking of you and will keep you in my prayers that an answer comes to you soon.

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  2. xoxsmuffinxox 10 years ago

    Thank you.

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