So, since I have been on here last I have  received an email from that guy. I watched him to go three concerts in two weeks after saying he doesn’t spend his money for fun. I have went through photos and cards and threw a majority away. I found myself thinking about us spending time in my living room so I  re-arranged furniture.  I secured someone to talk with (I don’t know how helpful he is) an intern at my college.  I finished up some service work in a recovery group. They are arguing about if a person an observe the meeting or not through an email thread.  I have been recognizing my own anger. I feel that I have dived into helping people at work and there isn’t really a reciprocation of helping me out. Same with friends. I helped someone by organizing a baby shower recently. This will be the only time I ever do this for someone. I had to deal with several folks and when I tried to set up the day of the shower I had limited accessibility to get our car in to unload tables, they were sweeping the floor as I decorated with my ex husband who has back problems. Then I sat around in silence pretty much through the day as folks came. I was polite and cordial.

I am trying to figure out how to manage my anger now. As I see people do what they want. I feel like with the ex fiancé’ its just a “fun” time to go to concerts. I was in pretty much depression this weekend.

I will now share his email from last Sunday that I didn’t respond to:

Maybe I just didn’t explain things well enough to you but I want you to sincerely know just exactly why I cannot spend an extended amount of time in Kentucky. I am an independent contractor to A so I don’t receive a salary. My job is 24/7 but at the same time, I have a lot of flexibility to make my own hours just as long as I get my work down, which I am very conscientious of. Even though my title is “Digital Media Manager,” I am basically A personal assistant so my work involves so much more than just managing his website and updating his social media pages.

As you know, I manage his incoming fan mail, which includes going to to his place (usually once a month) to get caught up on. I am also currently organizing his office, cataloging his collection of cassettes and video tapes, helping him write his memoirs, obtaining radio station IDs, recording soundbites of him talking about  his band songs for SiriusXM (which included recording soundbites of him talking about the new  documentary when that was released), filming videos of A for different requests and the occasional ranch-sitting when the the families house when he goes out of town (and his son is not available). I get paid extra for that too. This is not being “married to A” as you keep saying, it is my job and what I am hired to do.

Concerning the part of my job that does involve my computer, it is something that I have to do at home for several reasons. I think I showed you when you were here but I am always using hundreds of files with thousands of pics, a huge amount of archived email files, email distribution lists, different Apple applications not to mention physical file folders, books, CDs and even records that I have to reference for a variety of reasons. Transferring all of this to a laptop is not an easy task and it’s not just a matter of putting it all in the cloud or an external hard drive, it’s just not that simple and believe me, I have looked into it. That is why being away for an extended amount of time is just not realistic.

Having worked for A for over 14 years now, I have also really gained his trust as well as his family’s trust, which really means a lot. This is truly my passion and calling in life and I hope I can work in The Beach Boys world for as long as possible. And I’ve always pictured you being by my side when I’m doing this and who knows, there could even be work for you too if that would be something you’d want to pursue.

You should also know, if you don’t already, that my job involves situations that can change on a dime. I am sorry that on several occasions, this has messed up our plans, but the reality of my job is that I have to have a flexible mindset and you would have to as well when we’re living together. Perfect example was last Labor Day (2023) with the filming of The  documentary. Yes, A first invited me and you (specifically you not a plus one for me) and wanted us to be there. Then a few days before, he told me that his was not available and asked me to ranch-sit. Of course I would have wanted you to be with me there but I am always conscious of the amount of time it takes to travel in addition to the amount of days you can take off from work. Because the bands reunion was such a special event, it would have been worth it for that but I thought that to come out for just two or three days in CA would have been unnecessarily stressful for you. I’ve just always thought we should spend at least a week together when we get together because of the airline costs and time difference.

This is somewhat unrelated but I know on occasion you have mentioned that I should have applied for the job that my drummer Eric told me about a couple of years ago. I recently asked him about it again and he said that even though it paid well, he highly advised against it for a variety of reasons, most notably because (in his words), I would hate it! He told me it was basically a tedious boring job and I can’t even imagine doing something like that in life, no matter how much it paid. It made me realize again how I lucky I am to have the job I have and how much I cherish it. And with a condo that’s paid off and money in the bank, I‘ve always thought we are actually in a really good financial situation if we combined our lives. I know there’s much more to discuss financially.

As much as I always knew it would be a challenge, it shouldn’t be that difficult to merge our worlds. In the months leading up to our engagement as well as after, I always thought that our cats would be the greatest obstacle, since I never liked the idea of you leaving them behind. I know you said that Aaron could take them and just know that I always admired that you were willing to do that but I still never felt comfortable with the idea because I knew how much you would miss them. With Kane gone, this situation might be a little better but I know you said that they have to be separated when you’re not home and with Peaches here, it would definitely still be a challenge though it would be a little easier to manage since three cats in my condo is definitely within the realm of possibility.

I know we’ve butted heads over merging our stuff and I know I keep saying the same thing. Bring what is important to you and we will make it work. I know I have a lot of stuff and have always known that I need to downsize, which I always thought would be fun to do together. I have to tell you that in the last couple of years, I have naturally changed because I think I have been subconsciously changing my buying and collecting habits in preparation of merging our lives. Although I still love going to thrift stores, antique malls and fairs, I seriously don’t buy as much as stuff as I used to and especially this year, leave these places empty-handed quite often. I know I am very OCD on how I like a place decorated and always thought we could work this out in a fun way.

I know there’s still a lot to talk about but I just really wanted to take the time to explain my job better to you because I’ve never been against being with you in Kentucky but I do have to make a living too. And not to cover fun experiences but for my monthly HOA fees, car and home insurance, car expenses and gas, utilities and phone bills and groceries, etc. I hope this makes things a little easier to understand, I’m sorry if I didn’t explain all this to you before—I just really thought about it after we last spoke.

I love you very much and still hope we can work things out,

J