my fiance and i have been together for a year and a half now, and for most of that time our relationship has been wonderful, but in the last couple of months, we've relapsed a few times, and despite my recurring commitment to getting clean, he has come up with excuses to keep getting high.  he's complained and whined about dope sickness, and always promised, "this will be the last time."  half of the time, i've used with him, and dealt with my own sickness quietly. but for the last two weeks, i've been clean. 

in an effort to keep him from giving in to his cravings, he's had me hold on to his bank card, his keys, everything.  but today he took both back and told me once again "this is the last time."  he added other assurances like "i'll get violated if i piss dirty and i'm not willing to risk going back to jail," and "i love you so much, i would never choose dope over you," and yada yada yada fucking YADA…at that point i told him not to talk to me at all. 

i don't want to use anymore.  i don't want that life anymore.  last time i fell into this cycle, my lover left me with an apartment i could no longer pay for, a multitude of items to move with no help, jobless, penniless, sick, and nearly dying.  

i wrote him a letter.  i told him that he had ONE MORE CHANCE to make it right.  if he would come home and flush the rest of his drugs down the toilet, then we could talk about staying together, i might not even cancel the wedding.  but if i came home and he had heroin, i would leave.  

i could move back in with my parents.  i could move out of this shithole area, back to richmond, get a good job, live with my best friend, stay clean, get healthy again…i could, but i'm so fucking scared to.  i love him so much.  for the last year and a half we've been practically joined at the hip.  and i would do anything for him.

i don't know that i want to hear whatever advice is coming.  i already know what i have to do.  i'm praying that when he comes home and sees the letter, sees my engagement ring on top of it, and sees my bag packed in the corner, he'll stop.  he'll get help with me.  we'll move on and he'll stop making excuses.  but i know how powerful this addiction is.  i know that it almost cost me my life before, and i know that it's almost killed him, too.  

right now i'm at work, trying not to fall apart.  i've been crying all day.  all i know now is this has to stop.  i can't do it anymore.  i want so desperately for this relationship to work, but i can't make it happen if he's not willing to work either, and i can't stay with him if he keeps using.  we'll both die, or kill each other.

there are days in everyone's life where everything they know about love, everything they know about their future hangs by a wisp of a thread, and at any point a strong wind could snap the cord and send them flying into space.  

everything hangs on this one decision. heroin or me.    

ok, here it comes.  i'm falling apart…  


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