I have spent the last several days totally devistated by my most recent relapse. (thats 3 significant falls in 5 months) While I feel that I have regained control of the cravingssooner this time, the feelings of personal failure are overwhelming. A previous relapse occured at a very stressful but personally possitive time for me at Christmas. Now this, following an incredably fullfilling week where I had an overwhelming feeling that things were finally coming together for me. Started back to work yesterday after yet another 2 month layoff. Work is good. I feel useful, productive, proud to provide for my family. I have everything that I have ever dreamed of. I am devestated that I would threaten to destoy any of that with a drink. A drink I dont even want. The drink that just drives me to want to escape. Escape what? Not sure. Maybe the cravings. Maybe the possibility of happiness? Feeling very possitive today. Possitive for my recovery. Except for a very strained relationship which I may have now desroyed. This relapse came asI was coming to the realization that I was confident I have found a love that I want for all time. That I have let my many walls fall for. Ive spent the last few days agonizing over the hurt Ive caused and am now coming to the realization that it only acts as proof of how happy I can be. In the end, personal joy should be my focus. The past is gone. I long to take back my mistakes and upset that I have created. But I cant. It has also been a turning point as to the powerlessness over my disease. Up until now I still believed that I had/could control of "things". This relapse I would never, neverhave choosen of my own free will. Its been very frightening. My desire is that this can be a turning point. I also have a calender to celebrate my days. Initially I was going to begin at Jan 1 and track my relapses but I have now decided to begin on Jan 29 And look forward.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

I cant change that Im an alcoholic. Ive been fighting it. Fighting it is what I do. I need God to grant me the serenity to stop fighting.

The courage to change the things I can,

I have begun with many changes in my life in recent years. I have difficulty accepting joy and happiness in what I want. I need the courage to embrace my joy and move forward with it.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I believe I am only now beginning to find that wisdom.