As I just received an email from my old roommate, I am paused to wonder, why must we always hit rock bottom before we seek change…

I wonder if I let him come back, what would be different… I already offered up the lot next door to him, with little conditions, no rent… it has two large and very good roofs built with trailers underneath, that are to be moved, and he could build himself a workshop/loft apartment, whatever… but he does not see that possibility at all. He sees it as an insult. And I cannot see him living within my personal space ever again.

I seemed to be filled with sadness from an odd perception I had during a phone call from a girl in Houston concerning a stray abandoned dog. I am sure it goes back to feeling rejection and abandonment, my triggers…. but as I explained my situation, her whole demeanor seemed to change, and she could not get off the phone quick enough. I am thinking that not everyone can accept or understand my circumstances, and it is a good thing I am fine with it. A very good thing.

As for the roommate coming back, that remains to be seen. As they say, a lot of water under that bridge. I feel for him, and his "wrenching" emails and pictures only help fuel the fire of guilt that he builds, however unconscious or otherwise… but I must ask myself first, what is best for me, so that I may grow and learn, evolve and be the person I was meant to be… so consumed with sadness and reflection, I run to the refrigerator for my "medicine" – the dreaded anti-depressant, and I "RUN" from my emotions, as my new friend Ryan keeps telling me so very often, that I only have to face them, but then he is not bipolar, and he has not walked in my shoes. For him, speaking to God is all he needs, and he feels that is all anyone needs… sadly, for me, I speak to him often already and yet I am still plagued with uncertainties, doubts and worry… At least I know that it is a journey we all take; I do not walk alone. Sometimes I am good, other times, not so much. I guess this is just one of those "not so much" times. Have a good lunch peoples… I am going to eat some little cherry tomatoes that I grew with my own hand, the first of my meager harvest so far… haha Take care all, and always always be grateful for what you have, for is no matter anyway…

2 Comments
  1. Andie372 8 years ago

     Many of us who have suffered trauma and depression have a deep sense of empathy for other people's misfortunes.  Be careful, people will take advantage of this.  As for your friend in Houston, she doesn't sound like a friend at all.  A friend will listen to your troubles.  Don't feel bad for taking meds.  We need them like a diabetic needs insulin.  

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  2. callnkettleblack 8 years ago

    ive only just met you my dear, and I already love your words. you have such strengh in them. The fact you are able to "see" what others are doing to you in my book is awesome. I think it helps the blow just a little bit,

    keep your head up cause thats where the firecrackers are babe!!!

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