Broken…

mentally and physically broken.
I’m tired of being everyone’s personal puppet.
People expect me to just be okay, after 11 years of abuse I’m 14, so it’s been three years since I’ve been taken away from my mom.
Mothers are supposed to be, kind, nurturing. Their supposed to love you unconditionally. Their supposed to hold you and tell you that they love you. That everything will be okay
Well not my mother. She didn’t give two shits about me, or my well-being. Every week she had a new boyfriend, they hit her constantly and was forced to watch, as they did drugs, and got drunk until, either I got screamed at, or they passed out.
I remember almost everyday I would get up for school she was passed out and I couldn’t wake her up. A lot of the times I thought she was dead.
When I came back from school she was awake, with her boyfriend.
Hit, scream, repeat, Hit scream repeat Hit, scream repeat.
Do you know what it’s like to have barely enough food to have a good meal, because it gets spent on drugs
Do you know what it’s like to watch your mom get her ass beat, and you have to take care of her and try to get her to bed.
Do you know what it’s like to get screamed at just because you exist.
Do you know what it’s like to come home from school, and see your mother, sticking needles in her arms, and look in your direction and smile.
My mother never loved me, I was just her child support pay check. I was burden that she had to carry. I spent years taking care of her when she should’ve taken care of me. I loved her even though she didn’t love me. I stood up to her dumb ass boyfriends, and I still got screamed at and if she was really fired up, I was hit. I had spend the first 11 years of my life not being able to mentally function cause I was so fucked up in the head, He’ll I’m still a fucked up kid, it sucks to have your mom want nothing to do with you.
Im on a shit ton of sleeping meds for nightmares, and insomnia, because I can’t keep my bad thoughts and experiences out of my head, it’s been hell. Now I’m living with a new family, I’m trying to be normal, but it’s not working…. so I guess I’ll stay silent and hope for the best…

 

2 Comments
  1. brokendoll17 1 year ago

    I know this all too well… It was the same with my household, except at least my siblings had me there.
    This is what a mother (in my opinion is)
    As a mother, you gave life to an adoring creature, a little you, you’re supposed to put them before you every day, and every second, you’re supposed to protect them with your heart, body, and mind. with everything you are and ever will be! A mother is supposed to love and adore their children and remind them every day how amazing they are, and yes discipline is needed but not beatings. Your supposed to put yourself wants, and needs after that baby has everything! Thats what being a mother is to me. and I know i raised 3 beautiful angels plus my cousins and my eldest sister.
    For all the good mothers I’m so sorry your mother wasn’t there for you, and if i could i would gladly be ur mum! Since i adopt all lil ones! <3 🙂 i'm so proud of u hun for being so strong and how u keep going! I love u meh beautiful cheeto! (as my baby girl and friend)

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  2. aquazium 1 year ago

    You don’t need to stay silent, you can reach out and get help. Somebody loves you. I bet you’ll find many wonderful mothers in the world, I have. There are these amazing women out there who love you even though they’re not related to you. It’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay. I’m here for you, and you can do this!

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