Maybe it’s the lack of sleep… Maybe it’s been my mood swings through these past weeks… Or it’s just a big mess of things & my mind is having a hard time processing everything? Throughout my life I’ve always had anxiety, but not too bad social anxiety. This past month especially I feel like my mind has reverted back to how I thought about myself & people around me back in highschool.
Do you ever just get a vibe off of people that you know you’re talking too much? They’re not interested or care in what you’re saying? Judging you? Don’t like you? Now my real question is… Should I just straight up ask anyone I think is judging me & say “Do you have an issue with me?”
I know I shouldn’t do that… Especially when the worst times I think about that questions is with my co-workers. Whenever I tell my parents & therapist about it they always make similar comments “You’re the boss’s kid.” “You’re young.” Why should that frickin matter so damn much??? Ever since I started my job 5 years ago I’ve always had this gut feeling. Sometimes the gut feeling is stronger than most days, but I truly am convinced that none of my co-workers truly like me.
My bosses (AKA parents) assure me that everyone likes me, but most days (especially recently) I’m so convinced that they’re annoyed with me. I know you don’t have to 110% like your co-workers, but when it’s a smaller business, 7 other co-workers, & I’m supervisor… It doesn’t make my job that easy.
Example: my boss (AKA mom) isn’t around. One co-worker makes a joke, the other 2 main co-workers I work with on a daily basis laugh, I laugh as well & make a comment “That’s so funny.”. Silence.
This has happened more than once… Even if i don’t make a comment & just laugh the room gets quiet… I really wish I can shrug something like this off so easily, but I can’t. In middle school & especially high school I was constantly thinking about what I say to people (even close friends), what tone i use when talking, how i word things, how i walk, what facial features I’m making… Literally over analyzing any social interaction I would have with any person, then at night when everyone is sleeping I would start beating up on myself. Attempting to journal, but then journaling turns into a slam book on myself. I called myself a B****, C***, F****** ungrateful friend, daughter, sister, ugly, you name it. I thought it. I would go in spurts of bullying myself all throughout my teenage years.
And that over analyzing is happening again… Self bullying… And now I’ve experienced panic attacks… WTH?!
Never in my teenage years I ever experienced tightness around my heart, fidgeting, hands shaking, & talking fast all at the same time. This new symptoms of anxiety are freaking me out… I feel defeated… I feel guilty… I feel like I’ve lost myself…