Hi. I’m Mikaile Ford, but I go by Kai now. I’ve known that there was something different about me from the time I was in 3rd grade. My first crush was a girl, and I didn’t know what the LGBTQ was. I was all alone, tryna figure out these feelings that none of my friends had, butt my boy friends… Then in middle school I was like “Hey I must be a lesbian stud, because I’m tough like the boys”. It was only this year in quarantine that I realized how much I hated my voice (even tho it’s deeper than most girls’ voices), my height 5’4, my chest, my genitals…I wanted pecs and a dick for a while, but I thought that’s how all studs felt, which makes no sense, but ok lol. I handle grief with jokes, because I don’t wanna see people hurting, so I hide my pain and check others before myself. I’ve only had 2 people in my entire like as how I’m doing and they’re both on this website. I didn’t realize how deep my problems were till I tried to give others advice. And yes, I am the “Goofy One” in the group! I don’t let others see me cry, but encourage others to let it out. Itry to get people to open up about their feelings, but can’t even process mine. I encouraged someone to trust and believe in herself. To trust and believe in me… when I’m not even sure I can trust myself… I’ve been doing alotta self-reflection nowadays, and it’s helped a little. I realized I’m a huge hypocrite who needs to take my own advice, so if I can do it, others can too! I try to be as optimistic as I can, but when my advice is ignored, not even read, not truly understood, they’re jus words at the end of the day. I’m jus a stranger typin my feelings/my story behind a computer screen to a bunch of other strangers. But someone once told me “strangers are jus friends u haven’t met yet” and I need a lotta friends n. My emotions r outta whack, I’m getting angry for no reason, and when I get angry my chest tightens up and I can’t breathe, so I need my inhaler, but I can never find it so I’m stuck in a fuckin fetus position on the floor. In my own little corner. All. Alone. My own twin doesn’t even realize how emotionally fucked up I am bc I hide it to take care of her feelings before mine. That’s jus the type of person I am. I’m working on bettering myself on that and I encourage some of you to join me! Also, out of all the many times, I’ve told someone how much they meant to me or how much I cared about them…not once…have I ever heard someone say it back, or say anything as passionately or as honest as I did… and it lowkey hurts bc I pour my heart out to ppl and they respond with “Aww u too!” or “that’s so sweet!” like wtf! I send u this paragraph about how great of a friend u r, or how much u mean to me and u respond with one of those or an “ok”? It hurts bad man…And nobody sees it…or cares to see anyway. Anyways, tell people how u really feel about em before u lose em and better ourselves before u jump into somebody else’s life 🙂 bye.