Hi. I’m Mikaile Ford, but I go by Kai now. I’ve known that there was something different about me from the time I was in 3rd grade. My first crush was a girl, and I didn’t know what the LGBTQ was. I was all alone, tryna figure out these feelings that none of my friends had, butt my boy friends… Then in middle school I was like “Hey I must be a lesbian stud, because I’m tough like the boys”. It was only this year in quarantine that I realized how much I hated my voice (even tho it’s deeper than most girls’ voices), my height 5’4, my chest, my genitals…I wanted pecs and a dick for a while, but I thought that’s how all studs felt, which makes no sense, but ok lol. I handle grief with jokes, because I don’t wanna see people hurting, so I hide my pain and check others before myself. I’ve only had 2 people in my entire like as how I’m doing and they’re both on this website. I didn’t realize how deep my problems were till I tried to give others advice. And yes, I am the “Goofy One” in the group! I don’t let others see me cry, but encourage others to let it out. Itry to get people to open up about their feelings, but can’t even process mine. I encouraged someone to trust and believe in herself. To trust and believe in me… when I’m not even sure I can trust myself… I’ve been doing alotta self-reflection nowadays, and it’s helped a little. I realized I’m a huge hypocrite who needs to take my own advice, so if I can do it, others can too! I try to be as optimistic as I can, but when my advice is ignored, not even read, not truly understood, they’re jus words at the end of the day. I’m jus a stranger typin my feelings/my story behind a computer screen to a bunch of other strangers. But someone once told me “strangers are jus friends u haven’t met yet” and I need a lotta friends n. My emotions r outta whack, I’m getting angry for no reason, and when I get angry my chest tightens up and I can’t breathe, so I need my inhaler, but I can never find it so I’m stuck in a fuckin fetus position on the floor. In my own little corner. All. Alone. My own twin doesn’t even realize how emotionally fucked up I am bc I hide it to take care of her feelings before mine. That’s jus the type of person I am. I’m working on bettering myself on that and I encourage some of you to join me! Also, out of all the many times, I’ve told someone how much they meant to me or how much I cared about them…not once…have I ever heard someone say it back, or say anything as passionately or as honest as I did… and it lowkey hurts bc I pour my heart out to ppl and they respond with “Aww u too!” or “that’s so sweet!” like wtf! I send u this paragraph about how great of a friend u r, or how much u mean to me and u respond with one of those or an “ok”? It hurts bad man…And nobody sees it…or cares to see anyway. Anyways, tell people how u really feel about em before u lose em and better ourselves before u jump into somebody else’s life 🙂 bye.

6 Comments
  1. auggiewalker 5 months ago

    I get where you are coming from. I’m lgbtq myself. I’ve also hid my pain for so long. Also you are a friend who I haven’t met yet. Stay safe and if you ever need anything reach out.

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  2. Author
    transkai09 5 months ago

    Look at me I’m fanous now! XD

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  3. marleyrita6204 5 months ago

    First you know you can trust me and if you dont know that IMMA COME TO CALI AND BEAT YO ASS. Ive said this before and ill say it again You dont have to hide your true colors from me and if you feel like you do…IMMA COME TO CALI AND BEAT YO ASS LOVE YOU NO HETERO

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