i feel as though i’m damned–no matter what choices i make.  *sigh  i don’t want to be some place where i’m constantly miserable.  i also don’t like ‘rubbing off’ on other people with my negativity.  It’s always hard for me to put into words–just what’s going through my head and heart.  Guess i’m just in that mode, again, with self-hatred and fed up with trying to fight to stay alive.  i do kinda feel like i’ve chased my “husband” into the arms–or the simple thought of being with–another “man” (transexual–either before or after surgery).  i really had no problems with his being “bisexual”, but now, i don’t know what he is–my husband, i mean.  We have done things as a couple and with other people, too, so it had its fun moments.  Fear and frustration have done a lot in my life, with regards to the decisions i’ve made.  i know i’ve made some wrong ones…  *sigh  i also know i’ve rushed a few things, simply because of fear.  i am so tired of trying to explain myself, and it winding up making me feel worse.  i can’t simply feel a certain way and it just be how it is.  i have to have a good reason for why i experience said feelings?  WTF?  Does this sound a bit….like i’m under a microscope?  Or, is it just me and my processing??  i came back to NC because i HAD to check on my grandson’s well-being–and, no, i don’t really feel any better about it, since i have met him and his father, as well as his other grandfather.  i also came back here, since my temporary visa was expiring again, and we hadn’t heard anything.  i didn’t know if my husband was planning to try and keep me with him or if he was just going to wait and see what i planned to do–whether it be stay in Newfoundland or head back to the states, whether he came with me or not.  —He feels like every time i bring it up, i’m trying to rub his nose in it, but i’m really not.  All i’m trying to get him to realize:  i was, and have been, uncertain, because of that one experience at the border-crossing.  Slowly, i’m understanding the steps that might possibly be taken wouldn’t be as harsh, depending on where and how i enter the country.  It just seems like the information i get is a bit late.  *sigh  The urges have been so strong, lately….If i could turn my brain off, i probably would already be dead.  So, i guess that’s not always a bad thing?  Today, i’m feeling so tired….maybe i’ll just try and take a lil nap, before it gets too late in the afternoon.  

i’m really beyond tired, especially where dealing with other people is concerned. i know everybody’s different.  i just wish i could NOT be me.

4 Comments
  1. bria30 4 years ago

    Thank you. It expresses so many things I feel but can never put into words

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  2. ucfdarkknight 4 years ago

    First of all, love the pictures that you upload on your blogs. they are all so fitting, creative and relate-able

    It was nice seeing Bria’s comment and how you expressed so many things she couldn’t put into words.

    Ever since we’ve known each other I’ve just seen so many obstacles for you to overcome and a lot of weight to bear. I’m so sorry. I honestly don’t know how you do it, but you do.

    I wish there was more I could say. I wish there were words or advice that would give answers, but unfortunately I don’t have any.

    I will continue to encourage you to keep blogging when you can. I hope it helps. I’m a big advocate of blogging. It’s honestly the only thing I do on this site…blog and read blogs.

    Could you let me know if you feel blogging helps you ?

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  3. Author
    delane1 4 years ago

    Thank you, as usual, my friend. ***hugs***
    Ya know, for the most part, blogging or writing (my long-winded-essays) does generally put into words quite a few of my immediate feelings. Of course, if i were to plan it out or try to concentrate a bit more, as i write, i feel like it would be a huge mess. So, i suppose, it does help–at least in the moment–to release some of the overwhelming pressures. (Make sense?)
    i just have to keep reminding myself that someone, somewhere, has had it much worse than i have, and has come out even better, as a result. Otherwise, i don’t think i’d’ve made it this far….

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