I’ve been really dumpster diving lately. Real down in the dumps. I haven’t been this heavily depressed for a few months. It’s the kind of depression/anxiety that has you walking around nauseated and with a death wish. There’s just a lot of noise going on in my head. But in real life too. I think these might be growing pains. Turning into a person of my own has been a really painful process. As I trek further into adult hood I’m having to find who I am without all the things other people told me.

I need to find a purpose. Values to hold onto and things to believe in. That’s really hard. I’ve been having a pretty big crisis of faith lately. Kind of a crisis in general. I feel more isolated than I ever have in my entire life. Quarantine is almost over but for me it keeps going. The life that every ones been braving through for over a year now is how my life is all the time. I’ve been locked inside my room since I was a kid. Not literally of course. But my social phobia doesn’t make going outside easy, or even possible sometimes.

But this isn’t the place to be vague. This is the place to actually write down the things that are bothering me so I’ll push through my natural turtle shell, word vomit my problems and then run away for several days.

I’m losing faith in a religion I’ve been a part of my entire life. That’s a really big deal to me, and a big loss. I have no friends because of my social phobia and the few “friends” I do have barely every speak to me. My sexuality is up in the air. Who knows what the hell is going on with that. I know that in the next few years I’m going to have to make some big moves. Once I lose my faith fully and come out chances are I won’t be welcome in my home anymore. I’m scared to live alone because I don’t know how and I’m also convinced once I am alone I would actually kill myself. So I guess I’m stressed about those things.

Not to mention I have no direction in life. I’m trying to avoid burying my head in the sand and distracting myself from these bad feelings because if I never sit with them I won’t deal with them. So it’s pretty uncomfortable.

But today I stood up for myself. I called out someone close to me which I never do. And I told them plainly that their actions were hurtful and unfair and that I didn’t deserve it. And I’m still mad and hurt and idk what to do because I’ve never done that before. But at least I stood up for myself.

In fact, I’m going to leave my feelings here so that later when the anger and hurt dissipates I don’t feel guilty for speaking up.

The person who hurt you yesterday has done so on many occasions before. And OK they aren’t a monster of a human. In fact you have had many good times with them. And those definitely count but you cannot excuse the constant track record of hurting your feelings just because they don’t literally murder you or something. Seriously, have a little more self worth. You have every right to your feelings and you’re not being overly sensitive. The amount of energy and effort you gift them because you love and care for them is way more than they give you. Making you laugh or smile or feel happy for a few hours isn’t enough. Stop telling yourself it is like you’re not deserving of actual effort. Or maybe I should say, consistent effort. You would never treat them that way.

So try and focus on yourself a little more. You certainly have a lot on your plate to also be dealing with being made to feel like you’re not a priority. Or that you don’t matter.

They were being rude. They were dismissive. They were insensitive. And they did leave you alone. They might be nice sometimes. But they did do those things. Those things were real and they happened and you can’t just let them all go once you’re not angry anymore. Once is an accident. At this point, it’s a pattern. A hurtful one at that.

Stop letting people make you feel like you don’t matter and that love/attention is something you have to labor for. Do party tricks for. When someone loves you they make it a point to show it.

And try and practice processing your emotions/thoughts without letting them rule you. This crisis of faith has taken a big toll on you. So harshly its even making you physically ill.

Idk. I really can’t wait to talk to my therapist. It always feels like it can’t come soon enough.