I am slowly falling apart into a million little pieces. I think (hope) my therapy is leading me into the core of many of my problems. This is just about the most difficult and painful undertaking of my life. I am bewildered at how I have the courage to even keep putting one foot in front of the other during this terrifying journey. But determination is about one of the only things I do have, without determination, I'm sure my life would have already ended (literally or figuratively).
I have realized that I hate my mother. In discussions regarding my mother (leading up to me finally admitting that I hate her, which I have yet to do) my therapist said, "It sounds like you're realizing that your mother doesn't love you." Ah yes, it is easy to say, "I hate her," but harder to tell myself, "Maybe she never loved me." I am still trying to digest this concept. I know it is true. When others comment on any of my accomplishment, my mother says, "She is well trained." Yes, just like a dog. And I was well trained, to a painful degree. When I comment on any of my accomplishments, my mother says, "That is because I did "this" or "that"." I am everything I am because of her. And what I really want to tell her is, I am also a miserable, depressed, anxious, borderline alcoholic, hollow shell of a human because of her lack of love, continual harsh words, and pressure for constant perfection. I look great and know how towork the roomthough! In essence, it looks like I have it all together, which is really all that matters to her.
My father? My father sees it. I think he has seen it my entire life. He also knows I am miserable but I know he can't talk about it. She has been treating him the same way for almost 50 years. But he has unconditional love for her (I am guessing) something that my mother and I both know nothing about.
The worst part is I didn't notice any of this until recently (past 3 years or so). I started becoming a monster. I started acting out, using words to hurt people, taking my mood out on my pets, etc. And then I realized the vicious cycle of abuse, thought about the fact that I had indeed be continually abused my entire life,and committed to myself to stop thecycleand get my emotions in check. And here we are, a few years later, and I am actually trying to work on the root of the issue, which still took many more years to actually get at.
I don't know how I can become something I was not created to be. I don't know how I can fill the hole that is supposed to be filled by a mother.