I am slowly falling apart into a million little pieces. I think (hope) my therapy is leading me into the core of many of my problems. This is just about the most difficult and painful undertaking of my life. I am bewildered at how I have the courage to even keep putting one foot in front of the other during this terrifying journey. But determination is about one of the only things I do have, without determination, I'm sure my life would have already ended (literally or figuratively).

I have realized that I hate my mother. In discussions regarding my mother (leading up to me finally admitting that I hate her, which I have yet to do) my therapist said, "It sounds like you're realizing that your mother doesn't love you." Ah yes, it is easy to say, "I hate her," but harder to tell myself, "Maybe she never loved me." I am still trying to digest this concept. I know it is true. When others comment on any of my accomplishment, my mother says, "She is well trained." Yes, just like a dog. And I was well trained, to a painful degree. When I comment on any of my accomplishments, my mother says, "That is because I did "this" or "that"." I am everything I am because of her. And what I really want to tell her is, I am also a miserable, depressed, anxious, borderline alcoholic, hollow shell of a human because of her lack of love, continual harsh words, and pressure for constant perfection. I look great and know how towork the roomthough! In essence, it looks like I have it all together, which is really all that matters to her.

My father? My father sees it. I think he has seen it my entire life. He also knows I am miserable but I know he can't talk about it. She has been treating him the same way for almost 50 years. But he has unconditional love for her (I am guessing) something that my mother and I both know nothing about.

The worst part is I didn't notice any of this until recently (past 3 years or so). I started becoming a monster. I started acting out, using words to hurt people, taking my mood out on my pets, etc. And then I realized the vicious cycle of abuse, thought about the fact that I had indeed be continually abused my entire life,and committed to myself to stop thecycleand get my emotions in check. And here we are, a few years later, and I am actually trying to work on the root of the issue, which still took many more years to actually get at.

I don't know how I can become something I was not created to be. I don't know how I can fill the hole that is supposed to be filled by a mother.

6 Comments
  1. MetalMeg 9 years ago

     I know exactly how you feel. My mom never loved me either. I can tell you how ive temporarily filled that hole that a mother is suppose to feel. Most of the time it comes in the form of a mentor type "mother figure" at my job…you know some of the older friendly women that are really good to go to for advice on stuff..I know that barely scratched the surface for the loneliness that comes from the neglect of a parent…that is as good as I have found so far as far as filling that hole. We should be so proud of our accomplishments and our mothers and father should show us that we have done well…I mean isnt that part of their job description?? I dont know of your exact circumstances but I can definitely relate. I mean my mom gave me away when I was just a baby and then came back after 8 years to stake claim to me…she missed out on the wonder years…the years you are suppose to grow and seal that mother to child bond…I mean nowadays she never calls…once my son, Jack, was sick in the hospital and when she was told of the news her responce was…"whos jack?" 

    So yeah. I hate my mom too. We should start a club! If you happen to find a better way to fill that hole other than my undercover project surrogate mommy 007 scheme, lemme know hun. I am always available to talk!

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  2. Confusion 9 years ago

    Hi MetalMeg –

    Thanks for your comments.  I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.  I am attempting to build relationships with other female mentors.  I also now realize that I have no female friends (which I have always known) because basically I think I am scared of women!  I know nothing about women other than rejection, so I have stayed away from women my entire life!  That is the first thing that I need to get past.  Not all women are mean, right?  If I figure anything else out I will let you know! 

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  3. MetalMeg 9 years ago

     What about grandmas?? They are suppose to be supportive a nice right?? Is your therapist a woman? Not all women are mean but I have learned that alot of women vindictive and spiteful. There are just as many good wholesome women role  models and mentors our there as you will find generally good and wholesome people regardless of gender.  Everyone has flaws so finding someone whom you can befriend and symbolically take up that role of "mother" is hard and no one is perfect. Just an out of the box idea here…but is there any um…what are they called…like nursing homes or ya know like a village of older people that you can volunteer at??Maybe just helping and being there for them to talk to will help you fill that void but in a different way. Old people are wise so myabe it would be like a win win situtaion…maybe = )

     

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  4. lazarus 9 years ago

    Hi Confusion,

    I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through some very tough times. I hope after your post in early January that you went to a different therapist that took VERY seriously your thoughts of suicide. If your therapist doesn't listen to you and isnt' helping then you have every right and should get a new one. I don't know for sure but I wonder if your mother had some of the same thoughts and pains that you are having now. I know from my experience with my father our depression has a lot of the same roots.

    Have you talked with your mother on all the things that you mentioned above?

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  5. Confusion 9 years ago

    I know I tried to discuss my feelings with my mom a few years ago and it went horribly.  She thinks I am ungrateful and dramatic.  I know she probably has probelms of her own, and we definitely were not encouraged to talk about our feelings (which only compounds the problems) so you can imagine how horrible it would be for me to discuss these types of things with her.  Beyond that, I know she would be very upset and hurt and I don't want to cause that, because it would also make me feel badly.  I feel like she is very old at this point and I don't want to complicate the end of her life.  But that still leaves me with very few answers about how to save the rest of my own life………..  I am guessing that trying to talk to her again would be the "right" thing to do but my therapist, being the classic freudian, says, "well I would never suggest that you do talk to her or tell you that you should."  So I'm comfortable not talking about it with her, and continue talking about it with my therapist and try to figure something out! 

    I understand you father also suffers from depression, but do you feel that he verbally and emotionally abused you?  That is basically what happened to me, and sympathize feeling of depression with my abuser seems odd.  Perhaps she was abused too, which is what I was alluding to, and tendencies I noticed about my own behavior, which is why I am committed to stopping those tendencies, first, and second figure out how to be my own person that is not defined by my rocky upbringing.

    Does any of that make sense? 

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  6. lazarus 9 years ago

    Hi confusion. Everything you said makes A LOT of sense. I originally had bad conversations with my dad on past issues and it turned out badly so, like you, I’ve tried hard to not be like his negative attributes and to not  bring that over in being a husband and a father. I have realized that he does have positive things about himself and is generally a good person and do want to have those attributes.

    I’m sorry to hear that your past talk with your mom didn’t go well. With my dad, I guess its always been baby steps in our talking about it. My dad has always been a very negative person and while I can’t see he verbally and emotionally abused me on a constant basis it was an unpleasant environment most of the time as a child and my mother (probably like your father) goes through it on a daily basis. Later in life I think I concluded that a lot of this was things he was dealing with himself and a feeling of lack of respect from people. I dealt with that myself so it was kind of a light bulb for me where "you have to give respect to get respect". So I told my dad I respected him for working so hard at a job that he didn’t like for a LONG time so that he could provide for his family. I felt like that myself so that kind of started our discussion. Most of the time I don’t go into a lot of detail with him on feelings and emotions and I think that the best we can do is a mutual respect. But based on how it was in the past, I’m good with that. I guess I feel like any improvement in our relationship is better than where it was before. I don’t think I can have a full blown conversation of everything on my mind because like what happened to you, he will get upset or angry and that will bring us back to where we were before.

    I guess I started the conversation with my dad by trying to understand whats going on with his thoughts from his perspective and thats what opened the door for us. I think a big thing to is that I was able to put aside most of the past to do this. With this I think everyone has a different situation and circumstances so its up to them if they can do this.                                                           

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