I’m seeing a new therapist. It’s been a couple of years since I talked to a professional. The last one focused so much on my relationship with my husband that I never felt like I could broach other important issues in my life without getting dragged back to DH’s drinking again. 

He’s not a horrible person. Just not the person I need him to be. 

Anyway, I was damn near in crisis mode by the time I made the appointment. I decided to try one of those virtual therapy things all over Facebook. It seems to be working out. I just pay a co-pay like a regular in-person therapy visit. My therapist is nice, but not too nice to challenge me, which is something I prefer in a therapist.

I haven’t been talking to people in my family–my family of origin, I mean. Talking to my sister makes me sad and angry because she’s gotten weird and bible-thumpy. She tells me about these creepy, messed-up things she and her husband confront at their church or at their youngest’s church school, and then in the end, they get gaslit into just letting it go without doing anything about it. I guess they think they’re showing their Xtian values by being all wishy-washy and graceful about inappropriate behaviors around children. I’m appalled they don’t speak to proper authorities about ridding their organization of legit skeevy behaviors. Like, don’t even tell me the fucking story if it ends with you doing jack in the long run because you’re too afraid of offending church folks. 

She’s also taken to using this floaty, gentle voice when she talks, especially when talking about church views. Girl, quit with the fake voice and spit out the Kool-Aid. 

It’s not her faith I have an issue with. It’s the use of Xtianity as a status symbol of moral superiority that bothers me. Plenty of devout people are really kind and cool and try to do their best in the world. Then there are the judgmental snobs who militantly wave their church status like a banner as they spit in your face. It’s not a club you join to align yourself with people whose approval you want. It’s supposed to be a personal relationship with your God. 

This makes me sad, because she and I had become close in our adult years. Yesterday she reached out to me via text and asked how I was doing, and I replied. “Not great, but better than I have been.” So she asks, and I vaguely mention my anxiety/depression. She goes, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were struggling.” and I think, hmm, I distinctly remember being frank about it in our sibling thread when I said “Sorry I’ve been MIA . Been riding the struggle bus lately”, to which my brother responded with some sort of commiseration. Sis remained silent because Bro had posted something political that she thinks she’s being gracious about by not responding to. My brother really needs to read the room sometimes. 

She then tells me that I can reach out to her if I need to, and I’m thinking, NO. I. CAN’T. You’re part of the problem. Bad things are happening right outside my door, and she and others like her helped make it that way. What’s left of my sister has been replaced by a puppet. 

She and her best friend, since childhood, had a falling out a few years ago, and at the time, I thought her friend was being a jerk because she said she didn’t like how Sis had changed and that she needed to remove herself from people who didn’t make her feel good anymore. They have not been the same since and don’t really talk.

Her XBFF just saw it before I did. I mean, there’s growth, and then there’s genuine pod people shit.