FRIEND!

behold,
the ripe spit of the meager,
pay no mind.

hollow now, the eyes, sink into the mud,
the putrid gray rot that spreads veins of black crawling,
branches rooted beneath the hide,
fallow, deep a sacrifice left grimy and swollen.

the days pass like minutes, the minutes like days. hope is fucking torturous. i cant stand it… when people say things like, “as long as you have hope, hope is seeing the light despite the darkness, hope is what makes life worth living.”
i have been through a lot of shit, ive seen people die, seen people lose themselves to drugs…ive seen strong men crumbles by trauma…people you look at and hope, “maybe i could be like that someday”, heroes in my eyes, only to see how one bad day let out all the fucked up shit that had layered over them over time, like a sick film coating imperceptible, and then like a snap of a finger, break…
people i would have thought so much stronger than me, impossibly stronger, something i could only hope to attain, break and shatter in their minds and fall debilitated, suffocated by all the layers of shit they had to fight through, seal and constrict around them…see them become frail, shaking things unrecognizable for the monument that they had seemed to be…good people, broken and never returned…never themselves. its one of the things that scares me the most, seeing someone i thought could never be shaken by anything, a beacon, that light snuffed out. someone stronger than me, my tattered and fucked-in-the-head ass, and they broke…and i so desperately want them to come back, to show me that they are still that monument that i knew them to be, to get that person back who lead me from a distance, just by being them…only to finally have to accept thats not them anymore…that what i had in admiration became pity…fear.

ive met good people, ordinary people, except for the addiction that turns them into animals…beautiful people with good hearts, turned soulless, someone i would have trusted with my life, i no longer can trust them with their own. and its behind their dulled and empty eyes that i want to bring back that glint of life, that someone i knew and loved, that someone i want to be a part of my world…and i can almost trick myself into seeing it deep and the bottom of the void that falls so deep behind those empty eyes…only for the uncanniness to creep in shivers over my spine, because for however much i want to bring them back, i can only feel like i’m talking to a puppet wearing the mask of someone i loved…playing their body in a facade thats bleak and hopeless against anything i have in my power to help them.

FRIEND! I AM, I AM!
FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF THIS!
I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF ALL OF THIS!
I DONT WANT TO FUCKING HOPE ANYMORE!

behold,
ripe, the spit of the meager,
drink in the festering hide, cloaked with tying sinews stretching horror over my mind.

i am not a good person. i have done things that i dont want to live with. i want to go to hell, and be done with hoping i can be anything else. i am weak to temptation, weak to anger, weak to envy…when i think that something good is finally becoming of my life, when im finally doing the right things, the floor drops. im not worth any of it. i dont deserve a good life. im too far gone, i am what i have made myself…the roots go to far deep to dig out…i cant be a good person, there is no hope for me

behold, the wretched walk the earth
weep and consume, cry and devour
living ghost floating in the periphery.

i fucking hate hope. its a poison, a skinning ailment fleshing me away strip by strip with every fall. it is a light, far away that can never be touched, a warmth just out reach…a horror beckoning me to shred myself with suffering…a cold star of cruel beauty, that from within i can only watch everything that i dont have, everything that im not, and the worst fucking part, is that i get to watch it happen all around me, though i may as well be millions of miles away…

fuck you…mostly, the thing that keeps me moving forward is hate, is spite, for that fickle and mocking thing all around me, called hope

im tired…so fucking tired…so fucking lost and empty…so fucking angry and hurt and sad…so fucking disappointed in myself…so fucking desperate to be anything but what i am…i cant look at myself anymore…i dont know how to believe in anything….im tired…im tired of trying…tired of failing to be someone different…of trying to change…i cant keep doing this…its too much…i just want it to stop…all of it…just please let it stop already…let it stop please

friend