well, here is goes. i am new to this thought maybe this would be good for me.

i have a journal i write in, but not very often.

this is more private from my family.husband(part time, explain later) two kids ages 16 and 18.

ok, have clinical depression have for the last 16 years. what a ride! the only really hard part has been the two years. well, let me explain.

i have been on and off meds since being diagnosed. some worked for a bit, then stopped, then bad side effects for some to all together stopping because i had enough.i am always trying to be more intune with my body, health wise and listen to it. then i get to the point that i think all i am doing is putting pioson in my body and i want to stop.i mean how am i going to really get better if i cant funtion without meds?BUT i cant function without them either(i can sorta function, just not in a how should i put it,the way that the world perceves as normal.)

now this leads us to this time; manager at a local store for around a year and half before i quit. was assisitant manger for the 5 yeas before that.i was doing ok, good days and bad days like any other person.NOW the reason i took the mangers position was the extra increase in pay which allowed my husband to drive home everyday after work and actually live at home.See, for the last 6 years my husband works out of town and lives with his mom(which saves us money)so this is the parttime husband i have. not too mention parent to his kids. we have had a very hard time money and work related brought to us, probably like some ppl out there, but thatt is where is gets different.( usually ppl will go for a better job, better family life, not sruggling to pay bills, not paying some billsone monthto put more food on the table). very stressful. then his job is bought out by others and now we lose out as his pay was decreased.there goes the whole having an actual husband ideaagain.never fails.i think looking back that i have slowly been falling down the black hole, just kept speeding up the closer i got to the bottom so i could hit it so hard, i quit my job.YA I know!

it wasnt working for me anymore, i would come home and burst, well wait until friday, thats when husband is home, then burst. i mean screaming, crying uncontrollably, was great.life was too much for me, being a single parent, i mean who are we kidding he never was a parent when he was home, over fulltime job it ws getting to me.and it did. now i dont like where i live. hate the town not too mention the attitude that it has. never grew up here, mu husband did born and bread. i have always wated to move him not so much. now i have just thought out all by myself that i have always put everyone else before me in thinking thats what made me happy. no not true.talking to my girlfreind she asked me do i ever have ME time, i said well, ya, sometimes i go the salon for a pedicure(love them) i am told that is just maintence, not YOU time. so i did not know where she was coming from. NOPE! i never inmy adult life had Me time or worried about me.how can i, i mean i was always working, even when i had my kids, worked in the house babysittting other pls kids, needed the cash, that bought food.holidays always to my parents igo with the kids, hubby came three times. kids got older, got a job outside the house and still babysat. now thats two jobs, had three jobs going at once, that was fun. i have never giving it my all. i am burnt out. well thats ok go to doc more meds.see, that is what i mean by maybe i just needed a break. well i have had a break now for 6 months. guess what i have finally come to the realization the ya i have depresion.and i have to manage it or it will manage me to the point that i will make bad decisions. life altering.

I do think that we all are supposed to be where we land in life for a reason or two.I am here to finanlly stand on my own two feet and finally without a doubt say I have a mental illness.ok that is all i have for now, i woke up with this yesterday and now i am rolling with it. have a docs app today for different meds as the ones i was on are yucky! so been off now for around two months.time to jump on again.

yyl