Today started off ok. I woke up went to school i bought a perc 30 which i preceeded to snort in my first period class, and i even was generous and gave my friend a line. I was a little buzzed throughout 1st and relaxed in 2nd and smiling… then 3rd pperiod came. We got our interms and i had a B in dance. Ive never gotten a B and it said it was because of lack of class participation. I asked my teacher why he gave me a B and he took me to his office. He started telling me how I looked sick and how i wasnt fooling him about me being ok. He told me I needed to take my medicine again and that I wasnt as string as I used to be in dance. He told me the reason why i didnt have any friends was because I push people away. He said he's worried about me next year because he thinks im going to get kicked out of school and start doing more drugs and get put away again but this time for a long time. Then he started talking about her. He said i pushed her away and scared her. He said that I put too much stress on her and thats why she left. He said she asks about me and that they talk about me. He said she cared about me. Bull fucking shit. First off I have no friends because all of THEM LEFT ME. Yea I have pushed a few people away but definitely not her. I NEEDED her. I LOVED her. I LOVE her. She does not care about me. I'll cry in class or have a panic attack in class and she will notice and not say a word to me. She makes snide remarks to me in class. And yea i know im out of shape for dance and gained a few punds. Yes i feel really fat at the moment but you are a HIGHSCHOOL DANCE TEACHER. You dont know about REAL dancing and that was a very rude comment when you know thats all i have at the moment is dance. He also told me ive changed alot since i came into high school. Yes im not the preppy little girl i used to be, yes im sadder than i used to be but I AM the same person. I just was better at hiding it. He said that i bull shit everyone and am manic and take shit over the top to full people but he knows im actually really depressed because thats the other side of it. Yes he is right but he dosent care he's just acting like it. and doing it before class is just mean. Also why the fuck would you tell me that is going to be my future. Obviously im not ok. Obviously i still cut (even though ive cut back alot with cutting). And HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT HER. He knows it makes me upset to even be near her so why would you bring it up in school in the middle of the day. I was crying like an idiot for a good 20 mins after that. Then i had to do a dance that had her in it and i messed it up of course then i had my solo. I did ok but my solo is to a song called "breathe me" by sia and it describes my life. At the end of the dance i kill myself. The whole class got silent and starred and watched my dance. When it was over i ran to the dressing room and had a panic attack. One of mmy friends found me there and sat with me until it was over. She is a good person… I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to think. All I want is a hug. All i want is someone to hold me for a long time, for a couple of hours, all day and all night kiss my forehead and tell me itll be ok. Tell me eveerything will work out. Tell me how important I am to them. Tell me they love me. Tell me I am worth something… But who would love a girl with scars?


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