I don't know what the hell I am doing here. I don't know how I got here or how I got this way. I have not been to a doctor about this but I do know I have a problem. I have been dealing or not dealing with this for over 20 years and never spoke to anyone about it. I have had suicidal thoughts for over 20 years, almost everyday, at least a brief thought everyday and sometimes it is all I can think about. Last night was the closest I ever came to doing anything about it. I have been punishing my wife with my behavior.(not physically, but emotionally, I know it) At this moment I feel calm and clear, but 2 minutes from now I could be crying, or sullen and paralyzed with depression.  It's been about 8 months since I have done anything, I have no work, I have no friends nearby, I have nothing right now. I used to play music, guitar, I used to do some woodwork, I used to exercise, I used to talk to people, I used to leave the house. Yesterday I went to the bookstore and broke down crying. I went to th grocery store and could hardly manage to finish what I was doing. My wife came home from work I tried not to argue with her but, I did. I ended up on the roof of our house with a rope around my neck and she called for help. I refused it. I have not slept in 3 or 4 days. She says "just change your mind". Not quite that easy.  I have no health coverage. I have barely any money. The guy last night said I could go to the emergency room and they will see me and the doctor could evaluate me and put me in a state Psych facility. I am living in Puerto Rico , I don't know if that is ANY help. But I doubt it. I don't know what to do, and I am resisting everything. Now I feel tired and just want to lay down for the rest of the day. How did I get here? I don't know if that Deepak, Dr. Phil, mystic, spiritual crap works. It seems to me, it doesn't.

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