I don’t feel great but I felt a weight lifted when I read Job 19 today. I wrote footnotes of my experiences while reading each verse of Job. What I appreciated most was this, Job had sufferings just like I do. He questioned God just like I do sometimes. I know this was written in the old testament. I just have a lot of unanswered questions. Just like this book and chapter suggest. I know I am not alone. All the sadness is not enough for just therapy, 12 step recovery, reading, writing, exercising alone. I can’t seem to be able to tolerate certain medications.  I think the spiritual piece for me is helpful because its focusing on energy that is related to internal need for healing.

I start a course this weekend about mindfulness. It is another course of action for me.  Before this writing, I know I am dealing with sadness but, I also know, I had been over extended in my community efforts in my recovery based programs and the more time I had, it seemed like the more outreach calls are made to me. People are expressing their pains as I have them myself. It comes from a place of dependency, begging, pouring outright, demanding answers, one woman said will you call me? and I had an incident at work where I could not get the woman off the phone.  She would call me through the night.  I just had to let the baggage go and pray for the person.  I have been known to be needy myself when my marriage was failing. I talked to men and women a like and all it did was help to end my marriage.  I became independent though.  It took me a year or maybe even two now to leave this relationship I have been engaged with this man in another state his email to me from sept 13th is back a few blogs before this.  But, in his writing, he even expects me to lay everything down for him.  I almost feel like walking away from the groups. I have been apart of them for about a decade now.  There are a lot of great things you can get out of doing the hard work on the steps. I did mine surrounding codependency. As you can see though, I still am codependent. I am praying to eliminate these things from my life so that I can be myself.  I was thinking about how I react to people, with my anxiety. I can’t barely have a conversation without feeling put off, or invisible, or anything. If I am more relaxed like I was when I read this scripture I can understand better that I am not alone in my feeling excluded.  In the end God restores Job’s life. I pray mine is restored.