As my username displays, my name is Alex. I am a pansexual trans guy with severe depression and crippling anxiety. I am also, at present, alone. A lot of people think that once you come out as trans and make friends that is the end of the story. You’re happy. Living a life among people who understand you, or at the very least like you enough to look past what’s in your trousers. Sure, there are transphobic people and it’s far from an easy life, but despite all this you are still living your authentic self, and can at least take comfort in knowing that you are living the life you were always meant to. But that’s not it at all. It’s not the fact that my family has never called me by my name, or even referred to me as ‘he’. It’s the loneliness. As cliche as it sounds, ‘no one understands me’. I don’t seem to be able to talk to anyone about anything important. I can talk about the latest Star Wars film or my cousin’s upcoming wedding but that’s about it. I can’t tell the girl I feel like I should be with that when I’m with her it makes me so ridiculously happy I don’t ever want to say goodbye. I can’t tell my brother how sad it makes me when he calls me his ‘sister’. I can’t tell my parents that the other day I dialed a suicide hotline. I’ve tried talking in a few chat rooms for LGBT people. They are more often that not empty. Or it is nothing but people constantly on the look out for sex. I gave up on them after I logged into one for trans people and was laughed at for asking a question. My only solace has been writing, but I dare say anyone who has read anything of mine will say I am wasting my time.  I can’t say I disagree. I doubt anyone will read this either, but, if you do, thank you. And I am sorry you have wasted your time.

3 Comments
  1. delane 4 years ago

    Hi, Alex! ***hugs*** i don’t think i’ve wasted my time by reading what you’ve written here.
    It was a decent explanation of how you’ve gotten to this point in your life…. i’m sorry things have been so tough, regarding the overall treatment, in your life. Family, no matter what, should be able to respect and accept you for who you are. i completely understand your views on the ‘other’ sites–i’ve seen some of them, as well–even other mental ‘illness’ sites seem to be geared towards relationships and sex. *sigh Life consists of more than just….that….or should be, anyway. So, i, for one, welcome you and look forward to more posts. Holla anytime–no worries.

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  2. skylargray 4 years ago

    Honestly? Not a waste of time reading that. It’s great that you’re out and in a sense that makes you braver than me. I know what it’s like having family who can’t accept you. Hopefully yours will come around? Oh and I agree, most of the chatlines are a joke for one reason or another. And I’ve been there with the depression and being suicidal but try not to give in okay? Just remember tomorrow might be better than today but you’ll never know if you’re gone. You are NOT wasting you’re time with writing. If you love it and it makes you feel better don’t stop for no one. Personally I get that to, I do it with my drawings. Keep posting and writing. I hope things get better.

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  3. sammie1957 4 years ago

    Not a waste of time to read your post. you’re braver than most.

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