Wow, its been a while since I last blogged..
To be frank with you, at the end of last semester ( May) all the way through June I felt pretty crappy. If I had to say the level of My GAF (GIVE A FRACK ) meter I was at 40%. Perhaps its my upcoming birthday that has renewed my faith in my self; Much like THE millions of people who are renewed every year in their diets, addictions, and bad habits during New Years. I feel like I’m at a strong 80% at the moment. I feel hopeful about my future, even if I no not what awaits ahead.
There has been much friction between me and my friends and family. I searched with in my self and realized that much of the friction comes from myself. I make promises, I plan, I write lists but do I ever follow through? Hecks no.. Here I was losing faith in myself these past months, when at the same time the people I love the most were losing faith in me too. How many times did I promise to go walking/jogging with my little cousin in the morning? How many times did I say I wont be late? I know I am stronger and more capable than my bad habits, but I let myself be consumed and preoccupied with them. I keep worrying about the comfort of others and forget of the true feelings of myself. I grow resentment.
My good friend Sam had a birthday recently. And for the first time in a long time I was able to sit back and have some fun. I had forgotten the sound of my ridiculous laugh. It felt right, I was at peace even though a thousand and one thoughts were popping in my head.
All I want to do is tell my friends and family that everything is going to be alright. What ever your going through, you will get past it. So much good is waiting for you down the road. But that doesn’t mean shit. I can speak glorious things about the future and make empty promises but if I don’t prepare myself now…. If I don’t work on those good things in the present, I can’t expect my life to just come together magically tomorrow. When we make empty promises we lie to ourselves.. to others. When we lie to ourselves we begin to hate ourselves and become miserable. Then that misery spreads like wildfire to those closest to you. The ones you love, the one whom you thought will always have your back per say will lose faith in you.
So how can I regain the trust in myself and my loves ones.. I will not lie to myself. I will do the things I set out to do. Let my passion for a better life be stronger than the pity I have for the life I live now. I want to find the happiness I once had even if It’s a half ass piece of happiness! I want to trust and love and be open to new things. But I need time. Time to figure out what I WANt to do and not what someone else wants me to do. Time to stand on my own two feet so that I don’t drag others down with me. LOVE, family, and friendships are all bonds that are strong but the bond you have with yourself will always be stronger. No one will love you more or hate your more than yourself.
My friends we have one life, Be more than your excuses. If your unhappy, if your shit is not getting together don’t be afraid to get help. There’s no shame in that. Sometimes we are our worst enemies and we need the support of outsiders to battle the self and other life problems. Know that you are Beautiful…… that you are worth the EFFORT.
Your SHY friend