I know it’s been a long while since I’ve blogged or even logged on. In fact, the last blog, the one following my stepdad’s death in the end of 2007, seems impossibly long ago. I fell off the face of the planet for awhile, trying to find a way to cope with my grief, although I didn’t know that it was really what was occuring. But over the last 18 months or so, I’ve fallen a long way down, and miraculously reemerged, and stronger for it.
Tomorrow I may have an interview that will get me back into doing what I loved before the bottom dropped out of my life in 2006 due to crippling depression~ teaching music. This is the first time I’ve felt whole enough in several years, strong enough, to attempt to go back to life. I know it might be a difficult ordeal to try to retransition back to being a "normal" person (lol), having to be responsible and reliable again~ which I’ve fought with terribly since the big D hit~ but it’s what I want more than anything.
I’ve managed to get off of all my medications except for 1 antidepressant, which I’ve dropped by more than half, and a continually diminishing dosage of anti-anxiety medicine that will soon be no more.
I never thought I would come this far, never ever see this side of myself again. It’s a truly beautiful and amazing feeling, and I will never take it for granted again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still depressed and have to fight every day to break the bindings, but now I’m having more days where I feel like I can keep going.
I can’t even begin to explain what has transpired in my life since my last login, but I can say that I’ve aged a lot more than the year and 6 months I’ve been gone. Maybe that’s a good thing though. When you finally accept that healing is your own job to attend to and that no one and nothing else can do it for you, you start to sink or swim.
I’m not a quitter, and so I ended up swimming. I’m so glad I did. I didn’t ever see the circumstances in my marriage and my mental state getting better, but somehow they have. And it has given me strength from inside and outside that I had no idea was ever there to tap into.
I’m no fool, I know that life will never "be the same" as it was before. There’s always that fear nagging in the back of my mind that ‘what if I get really ill again?’, and I know it’s very possible, but I know I don’t have to stay that way. I can choose to fight back and have patience and faith in myself and God, and ask for help from those whom I love and love me too.
I should go, especially since I may have that interview tomorrow morning. I need as much sleep as I can get.
Namaste’ to everyone, and I hope that peace touches each of your souls tonight, as well as hope even in the darkest of moments.